Allure Chapters 4-6 Review And Reply

Ultimates_2_Vol_1_5_Textless“Allure” Chapters 4-6 Review And Reply

My friend Beth, who Reviews my First Draft Work, as well as doing some Line Editing, is currently working on my First Novella from my “Allure” Vampire Series.

After she sends me Reviews, I do what I call “Review And Reply” Posts, where I Post some of her Comments, and Reply to them.

Last month she sent me her Review and Line Editing for Chapters 1-3, which can be seen here – Allure Chapters 1-3 Review And Reply

She just sent me Chapters 4-6, and so I shall Post her Comments, and Reply to them.



by DarkJade

Chapter Four – The Night Will Come

~ What I Like So Far:

Beth – * I still like that I’m reading parts of her mother’s book at the same time. It gives added depth.

DarkJade – “Awesome.”

Beth – * I’m happy to see Roy Millon! I remember really liking this character, lol. 🙂

DarkJade – “I really like him as well. He’s meant to be a bit ‘Barbaric’ (Not dumb, just primal), which gives him a simplicity that I feel lends to the Story.”


~ What I’d Like To See More On:

Beth – * Maybe work on smoothing out your transitions when going back and forward in time, just to keep the flow going. It didn’t distract me for long, but moving through time twice in this chapter changed the flow a little bit. Or, you could switch out where you say ‘the next day’ or ‘earlier that day’ and write out a longer transition. It would take a little longer, but it may smooth it out a little more.

DarkJade – “I’ll check it out, my First Drafts are definitely rough drafts, so I’m sure it needs some work.”


Chapter Five – Tall… Light… And Armed

~ What I Like So Far:

Beth – * Lol, I like Arram’s interaction with Roy. She has a different dynamic with him than she does with Seth.

DarkJade – “Much different. Seth is definitely caught up in being a teenager, where as Roy is a man, and Arram’s 16 so men are both confusing, and potentially provocative to a young girl.” (Not that I’ve ever been a teenage girl, Lol But theoretically speaking.)

Beth – * And I’m caught up in La Fon’s romance.

DarkJade – “I’m glad, it’s definitely supposed to deeply pull the reader in, and lay the stage for the past, and the present to merge at some point.”


~ What I’d Like To See More On:

Beth – * I’m curious about why Arram was so mesmerized by the water in the glass, and then the clear glass door? Maybe give a little more on what she was thinking when she was so distracted?

DarkLight – “If I recall correctly, at this point Arram is beginning to be ‘Affected’ by the sheer overwhelming magnitude of the situation. As a sort of ‘Defense Mechanism’, her mind is starting to shift focus subconsciously onto the water (Water has a very ‘Methodic’, ‘Peaceful’ quality), and glass (Because it is shiny etc., and gives her mind a momentary distraction,) , and to a degree fall into a bit of a trance. I’ll take a look at it and maybe be a bit more explanatory.”

* I’m also curious about why La Fon was thinking of jumping off the cliff? Was it to spare the woman he loved from becoming like him?

DarkJade – “I’ll have to reflect on that a bit, wrote it so long ago… But I do believe it’s to spare her the life of being in love with him… I suspect he considers himself cursed. He does not intend to turn her.”


Chapter Six – Cold Night

~ What I Like So Far:

Beth – * Lol – the best part ever: ‘She jumps in front of it, in a Judo position. “YAH!” … There’s no one there… And, she doesn’t know Judo.’ 😀

DarkJade – “Ha… Ah yes… The things we do when we’re alone, and scared. The things we do that would absolutely have no benefit in regards to aiding us should something arise that is, Lol.”


~ What I’d Like To See More On:

Beth – * At this point in the story I’m curious about why Roy wants to help Arram and Seth, and also about why they’re so opposed to the idea of working together? Maybe because this is more personal for Arram? Maybe start giving little hints about her motivation once she starts talking to Roy? Or maybe, if you don’t want to reveal it until later, start hinting that she has a personal reason for not wanting Roy’s help?

DarkJade – “Roy is also hunting La Fon, and feels that she and Seth are going to get themselves killed doing it alone. I will also need to reflect on this as well, I do believe that is the main reason. At this point I don’t think he realizes what an asset Arram is in regards to tracking vampires. Seth wants Roy’s help, Arram doesn’t. Mainly because she’s 16, very independent and strangely finds herself attracted to Roy, which makes her uncomfortable. She’s just being stubborn, Lol.”


Thanks for Reading

I was hoping to Self Publish The First “Allure” Novella sometime close to August, but due to “Chess With Agatha” being pushed out a bit, “Allure” will likely be Self Published in the Fall or so.




One Response to “Allure Chapters 4-6 Review And Reply”

  1. Reblogged this on Legends Undying and commented:
    My Second Review And Reply for my upcoming Novella, “Allure”.

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