Withdrawal
Maybe it’s time to withdrawal…
Pack away my dreams
Live within these walls…
Maybe I’m not meant to be loved
It’s too hard…
So hard
These moonlit waters…
Call me back
Pull me under…
I was meant to be alone
Tortured by my wants…
Lights out
This way I can not be hurt…
Anymore
PICTURE CREDIT – Emo Boy Drawing
DarkJade-
My Girlfriend Posted This Video Last Night… It’s Pretty Amazing. Especially If You Have A Dream, A Vision Of What You Want Your Life To Be… Similar To Peter I Walked Away From An 8 Year Job To Pursue My Dreams… Win Or Lose I Have No Regrets
In 1975 I wanted to be a Baseball Player (Pitcher), but my parents divorced, and we lived in a remote canyon, so I was pretty sure my mom would never be able to get me to Little League practice.
So I let that dream go, though my mom says I only ever mentioned Baseball once to her a as a kid.
I was shy, and soft spoken, so I didn’t talk much, other than to my brother who was 15 months younger than me.
In 1977, my brother, mom and I saw the Original Star Wars in the theatre…
From that day forward, I wanted to be a Filmmaker.
Then came The Empire Strikes Back (1980), the best sequel ever, which firmly cemented the notion of Film Making in my mind/heart.
Twenty two years after the Original Star Wars, I stepped away from a successful Corporate America Job, moved near my bro in Oregon, bought a video camera, and started working on Experimental Film Projects.
It wasn’t until that time, that I realized I also wanted to Write my Films.
After 7 months of messen around/writing/filming, I moved back to Southern California, and was back working in a cubical, but for half the money I was making before.
In my spare time I wrote a Teleplay (Screenplay for television) of a Sci-Fi Mini Series that I hoped to submit to the Sci-Fi Channel.
Also, as a Film Making exercise, I created mini sets, and Filmed Action Figure versions of some of the initial Scenes.
In 2002 I moved back to Oregon to work on Short Films with my bro, to submit into Film Festivals.
To my dismay, he had no time to do this.
Then out of frustration I wrote a 5 minute Short Film, and Filmed it in an hour and a half…
…Edited it, and Submitted it to a Film Festival in New York.
It got in.
Forgive the rough quality, it was Shot in Hi-8, then converted to Digital…
…and, like I say, was Shot in only an hour and a half.
Also that year, I Wrote a First Draft of a Feature Length Screenplay, with hopes of selling it someday, and using the money to Produce my own projects.
It was called ‘White Jade’
In September of 2002, I flew with my Dad to New York, and saw my Short Film on the Big Screen (It was actually like a half sized screen, lol).
It was at that moment I thought to myself, “I’m a Filmmaker”.
Sadly 3 months later, I ended up in the hospital with a health issue, and decided to step away from Film.
That didn’t last long, in the following year I moved to Arizona to stay with my Step Bro this time, and started to Write & gather some people who would work on what would be my Second Film (This one would be an hour long).
Sadly, I went through some trauma related to my health issues, and needed to move back to Southern California to live with my Mom and her boyfriend.
There I suffered extreme anxiety from the trauma, so didn’t go out much.
But I did pick up my White Jade Screenplay, and poured hundreds of hours into it.
Then in 2004 I Wrote Query Letters for it, and Submitted to Writing Agents, in hopes that they might read it, and Represent me.
Sadly, no response.
That year I also started some other Screenplays, but White Jade is the only one I Edited hundreds of hours, to create a finished product.
In 2005 I took a break from Dream Chasing, and wasn’t really leaving the house.
In 2006 I started a job outside the house, and would be there for 6 months.
During that time I hired a Comic Book Artist (Student) to Draw some Scenes from White Jade, so that should the opportunity arise, I’d have some visuals to show potential Producers.
I was so impressed by the Art, that I decided to try and make White Jade into a Comic Book, and hired the same Artist to Draw me the First 8 Pages of the Comic Book.
Including Covers for Issue 1, & 2.
I then Submitted the Comic Book Pages and Cover #1 to Dark Horse Comics, and a few other Independent Comic Book Companies (I didn’t try for Marvel, or DC, figured they were more Main Stream), to no avail.
I then had a severe anxiety attack while I was out, and had to leave the job.
From 2006-2011 I played a whole lot of World of Warcraft, lol
Which was great, and gave me a break from pursuing my dreams, as well as an opportunity to heal a bit emotionally from the trauma.
Wasn’t really leaving the house during 2007-2010.
In 2010, I moved out for a year and a half, and started going out again.
In 2011 I moved back home to my Moms’, and decided to Create a Writing Blog… This was the Blog.
When I started this Blog my hope was to get in the habit of Writing everyday, by shooting for an average of 600 Words per day, which wasn’t all that much.
It worked, I actually averaged somewhere around 1,200+ Words per day for a year and a half, and created a boat load of Poems, Blog Stories, a Couple Novellas & a Fantasy Novel.
In 2012, I Self Published some Poems, a ‘Partial Comic Book’ (The White Jade Pages), and my First Novella, “I Died Once”.
In late 2012 I wrote the Second Novella in the Series “Mady’s Storm”, but didn’t end up getting it Edited, and Self Published until 2015.
Also in 2012 I Wrote/Finished my First Fantasy Novel, “Chess With Agatha”, and hired an Editor.
After it was Edited, I still didn’t feel it was ready to Self Publish, so I sat it aside.
In 2013 slowed down on my Writing.
In 2015 I was missing Film Making, and still not leaving the house, ended up for the fun of it Filming a ‘Mock’ Trailer for White Jade.
I was so inspired by it, that I decided to break the Screenplay up into 16 Episodes, and Produce a 16 Part Web Series.
I also started to leave the house at this time.
The Pre-Production would last 8 to 10 Months…
(Sword Training Above).
During that time I poured hundreds and hundred of hours into Pre-Production
(Rehearsal Above)
(First Filmed Scene, which would have had Visual Effects added to enhance)
And even Filmed a couple Scenes from Episode 7 & 10 (Early), which was when the Actor was available.
(Second Filmed Scene, which also would have been enhanced by Visual Effects)
Everything was going really well, but sadly, I went through some personal things, coupled with a bad anxiety attack, and stopped going out again.
I kept working on Pre-Production, but after several months of not going out, I decided to bring the Production to a halt.
Wanting to put myself at ease, I returned to an old Hobby of mine from the 80’s 90’s, Dungeons & Dragons.
Something I’ve always been passionate about, and also an excellent tool for sharpening your Writing/Character/Character Development/Storytelling Skills.
But I did it for sheer pleasure.
But being who I am, I spent the next 6 months creating Conent, and even thought about Self Publishing some of it.
But I decided against it.
I now sit in a place, where I play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons, do some Writing on here, and miss Film Making.
Something that I ran into when I was doing Rehearsals for White Jade was, I came to the realization that I may have a ‘Fear of Success’ (Some have fear of failure, some have fear of success).
What I mean by that is, after I finished a really good White Jade Rehearsal, it hit me that if we do actually Produce the Episodes, and it has any kind of success/following etc., that it would all rest on me to keep it going…
…that all involved would rely on me to keep it going.
And all the fun etc. that they had with it, would be on me.
It shook me.
I never realized I had any kind of fear in regards to this.
Part of it may have to do with I hate pressure… The other part may have to do with I’d been through so much anxiety stuff, I feared the responsibility of it would stress me out.
Then there’s the other part which is, basically, I have no idea why I was worried, and/or why I worry.
I’m very happy with all of my creations, and yes I’d love to make a living, and just create create create, doing what I love…
…connecting and inspiring people, which has always been my main hope.
But at this point, I’m just not sure I’m up to it…
…up to success.
Up to the emotional trials.
Time will tell I guess.
Nuff Said,
Thanks for Listening/Reading
DarkJade-
Dreams
Dreams Shouldn’t Be This Hard…
But they are
They Are Demanding…
And Specific
They hand you the Map
Give you the Key…
But The Rest Is Up To You
If You Dare to Pursue them…
Prepare for Change
Prepare for Sleepless Nights…
And Keep Close Ones Near
But In The End…
Your Dreams Are Yours…
And Yours Alone
PICTURE CREDIT – Dreams
DarkJade-
Thirty Nine years ago, I saw the First “Star Wars” Film, and my life was changed… Three years after that, “The Empire Strikes Back”…
It was those two movies that set within me that I wanted to be a Filmmaker.
In my 20’s, I wanted to begin pursuing Film Making, but life took me in another direction… For around 10 years, I was in Corporate America.
Making decent money, but suffering, and shutting down on the inside
In 1999, at the age of 30, I stepped away from Corporate America, and the decent paying job, bought my first Video Camera, and lived off my 401k (Something you’re never supposed to do, lol), while I began working on Experimental Film Projects… And came to the realization I was also a Writer of Film
Two and a half years later, I shot a 5 Minute Short Film, in an hour and a half, and submitted it to the ‘New York International Independent Film And Video Festival’, and got it in… Eight months later, I was sitting in a small theater in New York, watching my Film
My life had changed… I was a Filmmaker
Two months later, I was admitted to the hospital with medical issues basically caused due to the fact that I had difficulty finding work after 9/11, and lost Medical Insurance for over a year, which caused me not to be able to afford the medicines I needed for an otherwise manageable condition.
After spending 10 days in the hospital, I blasted out of state, and tried to continue my pursuit of Film Making, but ended up going through some trauma related to the Medical Issues, and suffered a Severe Panic Attack
Sadly, my physical ailment was healing, but from that day forward, I suffered with serious Anxiety issues
And so I shifted my focus from Film Making, to Screenplay Writing for the next one to two years
During that time I completed a Written for Film Screenplay that I had written a First Draft for in 2002, called “White Jade”
Tried to get an Agent to read it, so that they could Represent it (And me), and shop it around… To no avail…
After sending out several Quarry letters, with no response, I sat my Dreams aside…
I was 36-37
For the following 5 years, I played a lot of ‘World of Warcraft’, lol
I did some Admin. Work from home, and got a couple jobs out of the house, but in the end the Anxiety Issues (Which ended up being more of a PTSD thing) made it difficult for me to hold onto work outside of my house
In 2011, created this Blog, and began Writing Everyday…
Poetry, Blog Series (Stories), Novellas, and even a Fantasy Novel…
All right here.
In 2012 I Self Published my First Book, which was a Book of Poetry
Later that Year I Self Published my First Novella…
In 2013 I took a break from Writing, but in 2015 Self Published my Second Novella in the Series, which I had Written in 2012
And at the end of 2015, I picked up my “White Jade” Screenplay and decided I didn’t want it to go to waste… And so I created a rough “White Jade” Trailer, with a not great Video Camera, with not good sound… But it inspired me
And so in April of this year, I began PreProduction of the “White Jade” Web Series…
And though I am a bit overwhelmed with Production Details, especially after starting our current August 1st, through October 31st Push, I am essentially living my Dream of being a Filmmaker
My next challenge… To be ok with that… As it is fairly easy to avoid your Passions, and live a Simple Life… Torturous, but easier
And sometimes, believe it or not, it’s easier to be less happy, with less emotionally at stake…
But I recommend you consider the alternative…
Chase your Dreams
DarkJade/James-
Time To Manifest Dreams
So often times, Life doesn’t go quite as planned
For instance, my First Dream as a Child was to be a Professional Baseball Player
(Nolan Ryan)
A Pitcher to be more specific
Nolan Ryan was one of my heroes as a kid
But I lived in a remote canyon with my brother and Mom
And getting to practices would have been tough
So I let it go
Then in 1977
I saw Star Wars
And that’s when I decided I wanted to be a Filmmaker
And in 2000
I moved to Eugene Oregon
Bought a Video Camera
And made experimental Films using Action Figures
(That Was Shot Scene After Scene, No Editing, And The Music Was Playing On A Portable Stereo)
Two Years Later
In 2002
I Shot My First Short Film “If Not Now…”
Shot In An Hour And A Half
Edited As Best I Could With What I Shot
And Got that Film Into a Film Festival In New York
Later that year I went through some Medical stuff
And set Film Making aside
From there Dreams took a back seat in my life
In 2002-2004 I Did Write My First Feature Film Screenplay
White Jade
And in 2006, Hired an Artist to Transform the first part of it into 8 Comic Book Pages
But Being a Writer, had never been a Dream
Though in 2011 I Created this Blog
And did my First Post
The Writer
Posted in Writers, Writing with tags Dreams, Hope, Imagination, Truth, Writer, Writers, Writing on August 18, 2011 by darkjade68
Inside of all of us is The Writer… I’ve been writing since I was young, but I have never truly given my Writer a home… It is my intention to finally and truly embrace my Writer, I intend to do this by Writing, Writing, Writing…
But to do this, I must first create the space for it… Where will I write… What music will I listen to… Who will I share my writing with while I develop it… Time will tell
And though Writing wasn’t an Actual Dream
I spent the next year and a half Writing a lot
And Finally Self-Publishing
White Jade, the 8 Page Comic Book
“Winter, Lust, And Wonder” a Poetry Book
And “I Died Once” a Novella
Some of my other Dreams in Life have been
Now keep in mind they’re a bit ‘Lofty’
A Beach House
Though Any House by the age of 40 would have been nice
A Ranch
And a Horse (Or Horses)
Now I realize that both a Beach House, and a Ranch, is a bit much
But I was pursuing Film Making, and I figured my Films would be pretty good
And there are Filmmakers out there that ‘aren’t’ good that are making millions, Lol
It’s not that I’m materialistic
I just love the ocean, and love horses, and open spaces like some ranches
So here I am at 46, the medical issues I had 12+ years ago lead to some trauma
That derailed my Film Making Career
And thus, I did not, and/or have not made millions, Lol
But I still want a Horse
And I wouldn’t mind a Ranch, Lol
So we shall see what I can do from this point
But my point of this Post is
Never Stop Pursuing Your Dreams
Nuff Said
DarkJade-
Dream Watch
I admit…
I Miss you
The time I held you in my arms…
Too short
I Wished it’d never End
Too Close?
I hardly think so
I Felt your breath
Reach upon my neck…
Warm Promises
Of Dreams Always known…
Yet… I don’t know
I’m not bitter
No…
I haven’t the Heart, nor Stomach for it
Triumphant Life…
I Think so
I’ve Loved So Deeply…
I Can not explain
And yet I am young…
In Heart…
And Mind
Truth seems so rare…
In these troubled… Uncertain times
The Dreams I’ve known…
I can’t let go
And yet I stand here waiting…
For Beauty to fall from the sky once more
And Bless My Life with sweet…
Delicate Love
And Hope…
And Magic
Of course… Magic
DarkJade-
PICTURE CREDIT – Evening Dreamer
