Archive for the Editorial Category

Independence, Stubborness Or Pride… Knowing When To Ask For Help

Posted in Editorial, Life with tags on September 28, 2013 by darkjade68

kopi-2-af-dscn95541Independence, Stubbornness Or Pride… Knowing When To Ask For Help

It’s funny, I’ve always been extremely independent…

That’s what made it so difficult back in 2003, (After I had run into some medical issues in 2002, which I’ve mentioned in some of my previous Posts) when I

went through some trauma associated with some Medical issues, that put me in a very difficult/awkward/uncomfortable/unfamiliar position…

The position of needing help

So unfamiliar with this concept was I, that I even found myself asking my Dad (Who I didn’t grow up living with, but saw a couple times a year)

How to deal with people helping me?

Because in 2003, even though my health had returned, I found myself very much needing to stay with someone for a while…

And the location of choice, was my Family Home, where my Mom and her Boyfriend of 30+ years still lived

They were only too happy to help me out…

But it was hard for me

Not only was I not making any money, but I just wasn’t 100%

After a while it became ok…

I started doing some Admin./Marketing for my Mom’s Boyfriend, who is an Architect…

And began feeling better about myself needing to be there

But still to this day, receiving help from people is still a very difficult thing for me…

But without them, I would have been in some very difficult situations

And instead, I was able to carry on my life and do my best to leave the trauma behind

What about you?

Have any of you found yourself having to ask, or receive help, and just had a hard time dealing with it?

DarkJade-

PICTURE CREDIT – Jack’s Blog

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Something I’ve Written For My Grandma’s Service

Posted in Editorial, Grandma, Life on April 5, 2013 by darkjade68

First off, I want to begin by saying, I know Religion is a touchy thing for most people… And most don’t talk too much about it in group settings… At least in my experience. Is a Blog a ‘Group Setting’? Well, kinda, and kinda not, Lol That said, I have absolutely no idea if there is a God, but I know that it was part of who my Grandma is, and so I have included the subject loosely in this Document.

Nuff said, to the Piece;

==========================================================================================

 

“You Are Our Sky”

by James Mahoney

Grandma… And I know you can hear me. Because if there wasn’t a Heaven before, there surely is one now, made, and waiting, just for you.

I might recommend you let the big guy win a hand or two once in a while, at that card table in the sky.

We miss you… You know we do. There is no denying the Love, Admiration and Joy we feel for you.

You are Our Sky.

You always have been… And inside I always knew, that there is, and will only be, one person in this world that is you.

Your Laugh…

The most sincere thing that one will ever hear, and/or know.

You got it Grandma. You got this whole Life, and Mortality thing.

The Peace that would wash over me when you spoke of God, or any other Particular of this existence of ours.

You got it. You understood, and all I could do is sit back, my heart open, and hope for high amounts of osmosis to let this peace in.

Though that is much more technical sounding that it really was.

I just knew, that every moment spent with you, was a moment with the Greatest Woman, and Purest Human that I would ever know.

You and Margie’s Reign has laid forth the background of my world growing up.

To me, the two of you weren’t just two women battling for who could get their voices pitch to go higher. Though to this day, I could not tell you who would win such a contest.

No… As I recently told my mom, you and Margie were more of an Era, than just two sisters raising, and/or being with one another’s families.

The Rice’s must Love you… And how can they not. I suspect you are a Piece of every one of their Skies as well.

Truth be known, putting what you are into words, to anyone of us, is practically an impossible things to do.

There is Great Peace in the knowing that you spent 92 years on this planet with us.

There is Great Peace in knowing that you did not seem to suffer at the end of your life.

There are an insurmountable amount of memories to keep us company when we miss you from time to time… And we shall miss you from time to time.

Some much more than that.

I will end with this.

Jack was a Lucky man…

He knew what he was doing when he unabashedly pursued you until you finally gave in.

And Loved him until the end of time.

I know you still do.

And Thank you for Bringing Patrick into this world, one of the Most Amazing, Beautiful Life Filled Entities, and People I have ever known.

He is My Godfather, and the First Hero in my life. And ever will be.

The Closeness of you and Sonny… The Racetrack… Your Breakfasts together which I only recently found out about. I’m not sure a Mother and Son could be closer than you two.

He will miss you terrible I suspect. He Truly Deserved your Love, he is a Great man. And an Amazing Family Man, which means so much to this Family I believe.

And Most of all, thank you for My Mother… My Best friend for life.

The Most Beautiful Woman, and Person I’ve ever known…

Right next to you.

God Bless Grandma, We Love you

James-

Writing, Editing, Recovering

Posted in Chess With Agatha, DarkJade Update, Editorial, Writing on March 22, 2013 by darkjade68

Jono 2Writing, Editing, Recovering

So it’s been kind of a difficult week

But I shall return to my Writing, and Editing, and try to get back into a Rhythm.

I Miss Writing, so that’s good… And I’m almost complete with my 5th Draft of “Chess With Agatha”

After that, as I’ve mentioned before, I hope to get my sister to look over it with me, and make my final changes before Self Publishing it… If she’s just not available, I’ll most likely just do it myself.

I Hope you are all Well, the Weekend is coming (At least for those of you who do the Mon-Fri thing), so that’s good.

I Hope you all have a Lovely Weekend

DarkJade-

So I Lost My Grandma Yesterday

Posted in Editorial on March 21, 2013 by darkjade68

0321030134There really aren’t any words to describe what I’m feeling right now…

One of the Most Amazing Human Beings I have ever known has moved on, leaving this world behind

I Love My Grandma

And though I haven’t seen her in some time, who she is, and who she was will always be with me.

The Strongest Memories are of her taking me, my brother and my cousin Nicole to her Condo on the Beach, many, many years ago.

She used to make us Kraft Macaroni and Cheese… I remember at night, she used to lay on the floor in front of the television set, watching the news… While we were off playing in the other room. My Grandma Loved to watch the News… At least when I was growing up.

Then she’d make us popcorn… Not to mention all the times she took all of us to Disneyland.

The last hand full of years have been tougher for her… For one, she’s suffered from dementia for at least a couple years. And before that, her youngest son, my Uncle Pat passed away… Which was always difficult for her to swallow. And before that, her sister, whose house she had spent so much time at over the previous years, had moved away…

Time had finally caught up with Grandma… Something some part of most us I believe, wondered if it ever would.

She was timeless… She went back to college in like her 50’s (I believe it was), to become a paralegal… In her 40’s (Once again, I believe it was) she got her real estate license… In fact, she’s the one that found the house for my mom and dad, that I ended up spending my whole childhood in (except 9th grade, which I spent at my dad’s when he remarried in Arizona)… And at some point she actually owned a small apartment building… All of this after losing her one and only husband, my mom’s dad, also in her 40’s.

She never remarried, or went out with another man… No, instead she spent time working, and with her family.

Primarily her two sons, and sister… And her sister’s kids, who she had 8 of.

One of the most Brilliant, Interesting, Life Filled People I have ever come across.

For me, she set the bar on how well a life could be lived… And how long. She was 92 when she passed.

I will miss my Grandma… I’ve already missed her ever since I was a kid, when I really got to see more of her.

I can not begin to tell you how many lives she’s touched, and impacted… I’m not sure if there’s ever been anyone in this life that I have more admired… I really hope she’s chillen up their with her son Patrick right now… She told me once that she used to wake up in the middle of the night and listen to him play electric guitar in the wee hours… And that, that’s when his playing sounded the best. He was a Brilliant Guitarist… The best Blues Guitarist I’ve ever known. In fact, back when I had a band, it was Grandma that told me “I wish Patrick had recorded those late night playing sessions.” She went on to suggest to me that I recorded my sessions, which is what I did… I took a Video Camera to at least a couple of my Rehearsals, and they came out great… Never would have thought of it if she hadn’t suggested it.

Then there was the time that this van full of dudes blocked the road, and were going to beat up my dad, who was driving behind them… I guess they must have gotten into it on the road before hand. Anyway, my Grandma came along, pulled off the road too, and told the guys in the van to get lost, Lol

There’s so many stories with her, I could go on and on.

In fact some of my most cherished memories were those of her at her sister’s house, and the two of them drinking coffee, and laughing hysterically in the high pitched voices that filled the home…

So many memories… She was simply great. My mom will miss her too. And her son… And so many others… Countless… Endless.

Ah, I mustn’t forget to mention how whenever she saw me when I was older, she’d mention how much I had grown since she last saw me… If I had grown as much as she indicated, I would be well over 15 feet tall, Lol It always used to make me laugh.

Alright, well… I won’t say goodbye to you Grandma… I’m not all that good at goodbyes… But I will say, I hope you are flying high above me… I know I will always feel you, and think of you… So many stories… So much love… Such an Amazing Human Being.

We Love You Grandma

A Conversation With Trauma (Part 2)

Posted in Editorial, Life with tags on February 26, 2013 by darkjade68

traumaA Conversation With Trauma

(Part Two)*

*Make sure to Read Part One First

And so 2002 me had made a surprise appearance, and was going to testify on my behalf.

“Let us begin,” speaks Justice me.

“What would you say was your emotional state when you arrived in Eugene, Oregon?” inquires Perspective me.

“Well, it was a mix of things… Mostly I was excited, having just gotten married a couple of months prior to arriving… Also, we had a little place waiting for us, something our brother had lined up… But, we were tight on funds, as 9/11 had hit a few months prior to us arriving, which caused some difficulties getting some temp jobs right before we came… And as it turned out, it also caused us issues getting new jobs in Eugene,” explains 2002 me.

“Hadn’t you been warned by your wife’s father that Eugene had a terrible economy as well?” adds Cautious me.

“Yes… Yes we had… But, we needed to get out of the state, partially to break my wife away from her relationship with her mom, which had become a bit too close… And that coupled with the fact that my brother wanted me to come so we could work on films, it just felt like a good thing… Not to mention, my wife was going to be trying to get a job in her field, which could have taken us as far as New York, should she land a position… So we didn’t plan on staying in Eugene all that long… We just figured it would break us away from California, and her mom… And also give me an opportunity to work on some Film Projects with my bro,” 2002 me explains.

“I see,” responds Cautious me, as he writes down some notes.

“And quickly the money issues began?” asks Justice me.

“Yes… We had some wedding money, but that got used up very quickly… We then tried to find jobs for several months, me through temp agencies, and my wife from the paper… But what we didn’t realize was 9/11 had caused a lot of companies to put a freeze on ‘special project’ jobs, which is what they needed temp employees for… Which made it very hard for us to find employment,” 2002 explains.

“And then you filed for unemployment?” inquires perspective me.

“Yes… It wasn’t an easy thing for either of us to do, as neither of us had ever done so… But as it ends up, when you change states, it’s like losing a job, and so we were both able to file unemployment from California, even though we had moved to Eugene, Oregon. But that wasn’t really enough money… And so we also ended up having to get the equivalent of food stamps from the State of Oregon, something else we had never done.” 2002 further explains.

“And in addition to all of this, your brother didn’t have time to work on Films with you?” inquires Perspective me.

“No… As it turns out, even though he had pushed for my wife and I to move there so we could work on Short Films to submit to Film Festivals, he in fact was having major marital issues, and basically had no time to work on Films,” 2002 me replies.

“I see… And when did you ask your father for money, so that you could get back on your medicines?” asks Justice me.

“Within the first month or two, but he got very angry with me, as at the time he was having money issues himself, and when I hung up with him, I wrote him a 50 page letter… Which I never sent… I just didn’t feel like hitting him with all of the things he had done that made our relationship over the years almost impossible… I just, let it go,” explains 2002 me.

“And why didn’t you apply for State Medical Assistance in Oregon?” asks Cautious me.

“Well… By that point, I was so down from the way my dad spoke to me, and the fact that we couldn’t get jobs and were on food stamps… And collecting unemployment… And the whole reason we moved there was to make Films, which my brother didn’t have time to do… I just couldn’t cope with the idea of leaning on Oregon to take care of my medical health as well… I’d been independent all my life, worked since I was 15, supported myself 15 years… I think I just started to shut down emotionally… And all of this landing on top of a brand new marriage… Frankly, it just sucked, Lol and I was super depressed,” continues 2002 me.

“What happened next?” asks Perspective me.

“Well, out of frustration I Wrote a 5 Minute Short Film, and asked my bro if he had an hour he could spare… He did, and I went with my wife over to his house, and basically Filmed a 5 minute Film in around an hour… I then spent the night Editing the Film, for something like 8-12 hours, submitted it into a Film Festival in New York, and got it in… Also during that period, when my Wife was out of town trying to land a position in her field, I Wrote an 80 Page Feature Film Screenplay… And I also Wrote a Play,” 2002 explains.

“So in the midst of all these trial and tribulations, you stayed on course with pursuing your dream to be a Film Maker…” states Justice me.

“Yeah, I mean, you have to realize, not only was I Inspired, and Driven, but My Wife was 100% supportive, and was just great to be with, relationship wise that is,” 2002 explains.

“Then what happened?” asked Perspective me.

“Well, after being in Eugene Oregon three or four months, my brother decided to move out of state, as he found an employment opportunity that blew away his late shift, low paying job. I was happy for him, but also upset, as he had talked my wife and I to move to Eugene, and then was leaving Eugene… And on top of that, he never really had time to work on Film, and my wife and I were basically in financial ruin from the whole venture,” explains 2002.

“Hmm… Devastating,” interjects Cautious me. Justice me and Perspective me take note of Cautious me’s reaction.

“So my bro left town, and my wife felt too embarrassed to move back to California… So we stayed for a few more months… I even worked at a McDonalds for like five weeks just to get us some cash when we finally decided to leave the State,” concludes 2002 me.

“And then you get back to California, a few months later your wife leaves the relationship, and you get a five to six week flu that puts you in the hospital, and you finally get back on your meds?” asks Justice me.

“That’s right… I was in the hospital for 10 days… And the Doctors lectured me for getting off my meds, but, I just didn’t have the money, and couldn’t deal with getting on ‘State Medical Care’ in Oregon,” 2002 me finishes.

TO BE CONTINUED

A Conversation With Trauma (Part One)

Posted in Editorial, Life with tags on February 23, 2013 by darkjade68

trauma

A Conversation With Trauma

(Part One)

A Courtroom in my Mind…

Somewhere I have not been since early 2002, when I Charged Myself with ‘Being Depressed, When I Had No Right To Be’

Of course, in the end, I was Found Innocent by myself.

That part of me was a Kindly Fellow as it turned out… Poignant… But wise.

But I would not be so fortunate today… No.

In fact, rather than one Judge, and a hand full of Convincing Selves, with the Feel of the Judges in the 1978 Superman Movie…

the-most-memorable-comic-book-movie-villains-20081209030835598-000I would instead have Three of Me behind the Desk of Justice.

And many, many Self Witnesses.

The First behind the Desk is ‘Perspective’ me… Trying to keep things Balanced I suspect.

The Second is ‘Cautious’ me… Just in case.

And the last is ‘Justice’ Me. Appropriate I think.

I take a seat facing the Desk of Justice, wearing a backwards, White, New York Met’s Baseball Hat… My Brother knows I’m a Yankees Fan, but he thought it looked cool, and so sent it to me.

My orange Dark Horse Comic’s Adidas Tennis Shoes… A Collectors Item, which happen to be the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned. So I wear them, instead of letting them sit in a box.

Blue Jeans, because I Love Blue Jeans… And a white tshirt, underneath a dark blue Thermal Shirt.

First to the stand are both 1995, and 1996 me… Wow, haven’t seen them in a while.

They both sit, and look a bit anxious. Especially 1995 me.

“Which of you was first told about the accused medical condition?” asks Justice.

“Well… That’s it your Honor… It might have been me, or it might have been 1995,” speaks 1996 me.

“Very well… How did the accused deal with the news?” further asks Justice.

“Well… That part I remember… It was as if the emotional part of himself floated away into the stars… While the physical part of him had to stay and listen… Also, his girlfriend started crying profusely… I think it was a bit much for her… But mostly just scared her.”

“And what was the outcome of this condition?” inquired Perspective me.

“Well, actually, it ended up being ok. The first method they tried, had no result… But the second had outlandish success, making even the normally ‘monotone’ Doctor’s Voice Raise in celebration… So to speak.” explains 1996.

“Thank you 1996, and 1995, you may return to your seats,” speaks Justice… Meanwhile ‘Cautious’ me seems to be taking several notes.

Suddenly to my surprise, 1998 me comes in to the courtyard, followed by four different girls that I liked during that year… Man that was a good year… Not because of the girls, that was a bit confusing… No… But 1998 was when I was making good money at that Orthopedic Brace Company, and had just gotten out of a very difficult long relationship… I ended up Buying a Brand New Purple Mexican Strat Fender Guitar, and starting a Band… I bought My Black Jeep… I bought a Computer… Not that I’m a material guy, but it was a good year, and I had been supporting two people for so long, suddenly I actually had some extra money.

I wonder why 1998 me is here?

“1998, could you step up here,” requested Justice me.

“Sure,” 1998 replied, and stepped up and sat before the Desk of Justice.

“1998, we’d like to hear your opinion of the accused during 1999, 2000, 2001 and 2002,” speaks perspective me.

“Uh… Ok… 1999 got his heart smashed pretty good… And that, coupled with the fact that he was fried of his job, caused him to leave his employment… Where the heart breaker also worked.” explains 1998 me.

“Would you say the heartache was the main reason for leaving?” inquires perspective me.

“Uh… Not exactly… He was completely fried on that job before they started to date, then they dated and he was reinvigorated, then when they parted, he decided enough was enough… But I’d say the main reason was he felt it was finally time to pursue his Dream of Film Making,” concludes 1998 me.

“I see,” responds perspective me as he scribbles down several notes.

“And 2000?” questions Justice me.

“Ah, now 2000 he had a good go of it… He moved near his brother, and bought a Video Camera… From there he spent the next 9 months working on Experimental Film Projects… He was a pretty satisfied guy at this point… He didn’t have much money, but he was pursuing his Dream, so everyday felt like a good day,” replies 1998 me.

“He also met the girl he would end up marrying in 2001 that year… Which was a great day… Even though they only stayed married a year,” 1998 concludes.

“2001 he continued working on experimental Film Projects with his girlfriend (who he’d marry in October 2001), but towards the end of 2001, he was so broke, that he had to let go of his Medical Insurance… And thus stopped taking the medicine that had helped his 1995-96 condition,” he explains.

“I see…” responds Cautious Me. “And yet he kept the Jeep with the High Payment?”

“Yeah… Well… It was a Lease… And frankly, he had no other way of getting another car,” replies 1998 me.

“I see…” responds Cautious me, as he scribbles down some notes.

“And 2002?” asks Justice me, but just as he does, 2002 me steps into the chambers.

“I’d like to speak for myself, if that’s alright,” speaks 2002 me.

A palpable murmur fills the courtroom, but it is allowed.

1998 me returns to his seat, and gives 2002 me a slap on the shoulder, “Don’t let em corner you man… You had a rough go of it.”

2002 me nods in response, then makes his way before the Desk of Justice.

“Let me have it… I’m ready for yah!” speaks 2002 me.

DarkJade-

PICTURE CREDIT – Sad Boy

TO BE CONTINUED…

Tonight – A Love Song For A Love

Posted in Editorial, Holiday, Love, Music with tags , , on February 14, 2013 by darkjade68

green eyes

Tonight

(A Love Song For A Love)

In 1998 I Wrote a Love Song for my Best Friend, for whom I had fallen in Love… As she had with me

It was called “Tonight”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight

by James Mahoney

(1998)

Dreams of her

Fill me Tonight

Green Eyes Hope

And All That’s Right

Shooting Star

She’s Seen at Night

Soft Warm Kim

Cool Blue Moonlight

How I Long for her Embrace

Soft as Silk

Her Beautiful Face

================

It was a Short Song, I believe the Lyrics were sung twice

I had Written the song on My Blue Acoustic Alvarez Guitar… Which I still own

The Love Affair was also short… 3, maybe 4 months

But we had both just come out of very not good/difficult relationships, and we just kind of landed in each others arms

I do not Regret it… My Time with her was Beautiful, and Powerful

And our Friendship the two years before, helped me through a very difficult time

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ONE AND ALL!!

love image

DarkJade-

PICTURE CREDITS – The Best Color, Time & Love