Archive for A Conversation With Trauma

A Conversation With Trauma (Part 2)

Posted in Editorial, Life with tags on February 26, 2013 by darkjade68

traumaA Conversation With Trauma

(Part Two)*

*Make sure to Read Part One First

And so 2002 me had made a surprise appearance, and was going to testify on my behalf.

“Let us begin,” speaks Justice me.

“What would you say was your emotional state when you arrived in Eugene, Oregon?” inquires Perspective me.

“Well, it was a mix of things… Mostly I was excited, having just gotten married a couple of months prior to arriving… Also, we had a little place waiting for us, something our brother had lined up… But, we were tight on funds, as 9/11 had hit a few months prior to us arriving, which caused some difficulties getting some temp jobs right before we came… And as it turned out, it also caused us issues getting new jobs in Eugene,” explains 2002 me.

“Hadn’t you been warned by your wife’s father that Eugene had a terrible economy as well?” adds Cautious me.

“Yes… Yes we had… But, we needed to get out of the state, partially to break my wife away from her relationship with her mom, which had become a bit too close… And that coupled with the fact that my brother wanted me to come so we could work on films, it just felt like a good thing… Not to mention, my wife was going to be trying to get a job in her field, which could have taken us as far as New York, should she land a position… So we didn’t plan on staying in Eugene all that long… We just figured it would break us away from California, and her mom… And also give me an opportunity to work on some Film Projects with my bro,” 2002 me explains.

“I see,” responds Cautious me, as he writes down some notes.

“And quickly the money issues began?” asks Justice me.

“Yes… We had some wedding money, but that got used up very quickly… We then tried to find jobs for several months, me through temp agencies, and my wife from the paper… But what we didn’t realize was 9/11 had caused a lot of companies to put a freeze on ‘special project’ jobs, which is what they needed temp employees for… Which made it very hard for us to find employment,” 2002 explains.

“And then you filed for unemployment?” inquires perspective me.

“Yes… It wasn’t an easy thing for either of us to do, as neither of us had ever done so… But as it ends up, when you change states, it’s like losing a job, and so we were both able to file unemployment from California, even though we had moved to Eugene, Oregon. But that wasn’t really enough money… And so we also ended up having to get the equivalent of food stamps from the State of Oregon, something else we had never done.” 2002 further explains.

“And in addition to all of this, your brother didn’t have time to work on Films with you?” inquires Perspective me.

“No… As it turns out, even though he had pushed for my wife and I to move there so we could work on Short Films to submit to Film Festivals, he in fact was having major marital issues, and basically had no time to work on Films,” 2002 me replies.

“I see… And when did you ask your father for money, so that you could get back on your medicines?” asks Justice me.

“Within the first month or two, but he got very angry with me, as at the time he was having money issues himself, and when I hung up with him, I wrote him a 50 page letter… Which I never sent… I just didn’t feel like hitting him with all of the things he had done that made our relationship over the years almost impossible… I just, let it go,” explains 2002 me.

“And why didn’t you apply for State Medical Assistance in Oregon?” asks Cautious me.

“Well… By that point, I was so down from the way my dad spoke to me, and the fact that we couldn’t get jobs and were on food stamps… And collecting unemployment… And the whole reason we moved there was to make Films, which my brother didn’t have time to do… I just couldn’t cope with the idea of leaning on Oregon to take care of my medical health as well… I’d been independent all my life, worked since I was 15, supported myself 15 years… I think I just started to shut down emotionally… And all of this landing on top of a brand new marriage… Frankly, it just sucked, Lol and I was super depressed,” continues 2002 me.

“What happened next?” asks Perspective me.

“Well, out of frustration I Wrote a 5 Minute Short Film, and asked my bro if he had an hour he could spare… He did, and I went with my wife over to his house, and basically Filmed a 5 minute Film in around an hour… I then spent the night Editing the Film, for something like 8-12 hours, submitted it into a Film Festival in New York, and got it in… Also during that period, when my Wife was out of town trying to land a position in her field, I Wrote an 80 Page Feature Film Screenplay… And I also Wrote a Play,” 2002 explains.

“So in the midst of all these trial and tribulations, you stayed on course with pursuing your dream to be a Film Maker…” states Justice me.

“Yeah, I mean, you have to realize, not only was I Inspired, and Driven, but My Wife was 100% supportive, and was just great to be with, relationship wise that is,” 2002 explains.

“Then what happened?” asked Perspective me.

“Well, after being in Eugene Oregon three or four months, my brother decided to move out of state, as he found an employment opportunity that blew away his late shift, low paying job. I was happy for him, but also upset, as he had talked my wife and I to move to Eugene, and then was leaving Eugene… And on top of that, he never really had time to work on Film, and my wife and I were basically in financial ruin from the whole venture,” explains 2002.

“Hmm… Devastating,” interjects Cautious me. Justice me and Perspective me take note of Cautious me’s reaction.

“So my bro left town, and my wife felt too embarrassed to move back to California… So we stayed for a few more months… I even worked at a McDonalds for like five weeks just to get us some cash when we finally decided to leave the State,” concludes 2002 me.

“And then you get back to California, a few months later your wife leaves the relationship, and you get a five to six week flu that puts you in the hospital, and you finally get back on your meds?” asks Justice me.

“That’s right… I was in the hospital for 10 days… And the Doctors lectured me for getting off my meds, but, I just didn’t have the money, and couldn’t deal with getting on ‘State Medical Care’ in Oregon,” 2002 me finishes.


A Conversation With Trauma (Part One)

Posted in Editorial, Life with tags on February 23, 2013 by darkjade68


A Conversation With Trauma

(Part One)

A Courtroom in my Mind…

Somewhere I have not been since early 2002, when I Charged Myself with ‘Being Depressed, When I Had No Right To Be’

Of course, in the end, I was Found Innocent by myself.

That part of me was a Kindly Fellow as it turned out… Poignant… But wise.

But I would not be so fortunate today… No.

In fact, rather than one Judge, and a hand full of Convincing Selves, with the Feel of the Judges in the 1978 Superman Movie…

the-most-memorable-comic-book-movie-villains-20081209030835598-000I would instead have Three of Me behind the Desk of Justice.

And many, many Self Witnesses.

The First behind the Desk is ‘Perspective’ me… Trying to keep things Balanced I suspect.

The Second is ‘Cautious’ me… Just in case.

And the last is ‘Justice’ Me. Appropriate I think.

I take a seat facing the Desk of Justice, wearing a backwards, White, New York Met’s Baseball Hat… My Brother knows I’m a Yankees Fan, but he thought it looked cool, and so sent it to me.

My orange Dark Horse Comic’s Adidas Tennis Shoes… A Collectors Item, which happen to be the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned. So I wear them, instead of letting them sit in a box.

Blue Jeans, because I Love Blue Jeans… And a white tshirt, underneath a dark blue Thermal Shirt.

First to the stand are both 1995, and 1996 me… Wow, haven’t seen them in a while.

They both sit, and look a bit anxious. Especially 1995 me.

“Which of you was first told about the accused medical condition?” asks Justice.

“Well… That’s it your Honor… It might have been me, or it might have been 1995,” speaks 1996 me.

“Very well… How did the accused deal with the news?” further asks Justice.

“Well… That part I remember… It was as if the emotional part of himself floated away into the stars… While the physical part of him had to stay and listen… Also, his girlfriend started crying profusely… I think it was a bit much for her… But mostly just scared her.”

“And what was the outcome of this condition?” inquired Perspective me.

“Well, actually, it ended up being ok. The first method they tried, had no result… But the second had outlandish success, making even the normally ‘monotone’ Doctor’s Voice Raise in celebration… So to speak.” explains 1996.

“Thank you 1996, and 1995, you may return to your seats,” speaks Justice… Meanwhile ‘Cautious’ me seems to be taking several notes.

Suddenly to my surprise, 1998 me comes in to the courtyard, followed by four different girls that I liked during that year… Man that was a good year… Not because of the girls, that was a bit confusing… No… But 1998 was when I was making good money at that Orthopedic Brace Company, and had just gotten out of a very difficult long relationship… I ended up Buying a Brand New Purple Mexican Strat Fender Guitar, and starting a Band… I bought My Black Jeep… I bought a Computer… Not that I’m a material guy, but it was a good year, and I had been supporting two people for so long, suddenly I actually had some extra money.

I wonder why 1998 me is here?

“1998, could you step up here,” requested Justice me.

“Sure,” 1998 replied, and stepped up and sat before the Desk of Justice.

“1998, we’d like to hear your opinion of the accused during 1999, 2000, 2001 and 2002,” speaks perspective me.

“Uh… Ok… 1999 got his heart smashed pretty good… And that, coupled with the fact that he was fried of his job, caused him to leave his employment… Where the heart breaker also worked.” explains 1998 me.

“Would you say the heartache was the main reason for leaving?” inquires perspective me.

“Uh… Not exactly… He was completely fried on that job before they started to date, then they dated and he was reinvigorated, then when they parted, he decided enough was enough… But I’d say the main reason was he felt it was finally time to pursue his Dream of Film Making,” concludes 1998 me.

“I see,” responds perspective me as he scribbles down several notes.

“And 2000?” questions Justice me.

“Ah, now 2000 he had a good go of it… He moved near his brother, and bought a Video Camera… From there he spent the next 9 months working on Experimental Film Projects… He was a pretty satisfied guy at this point… He didn’t have much money, but he was pursuing his Dream, so everyday felt like a good day,” replies 1998 me.

“He also met the girl he would end up marrying in 2001 that year… Which was a great day… Even though they only stayed married a year,” 1998 concludes.

“2001 he continued working on experimental Film Projects with his girlfriend (who he’d marry in October 2001), but towards the end of 2001, he was so broke, that he had to let go of his Medical Insurance… And thus stopped taking the medicine that had helped his 1995-96 condition,” he explains.

“I see…” responds Cautious Me. “And yet he kept the Jeep with the High Payment?”

“Yeah… Well… It was a Lease… And frankly, he had no other way of getting another car,” replies 1998 me.

“I see…” responds Cautious me, as he scribbles down some notes.

“And 2002?” asks Justice me, but just as he does, 2002 me steps into the chambers.

“I’d like to speak for myself, if that’s alright,” speaks 2002 me.

A palpable murmur fills the courtroom, but it is allowed.

1998 me returns to his seat, and gives 2002 me a slap on the shoulder, “Don’t let em corner you man… You had a rough go of it.”

2002 me nods in response, then makes his way before the Desk of Justice.

“Let me have it… I’m ready for yah!” speaks 2002 me.