Archive for Anxiety

The Truth – Part III

Posted in Film, Film Making, Filmmaker, Web Series, White Jade, Writing with tags on October 26, 2020 by darkjade68

The Truth

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

In August of 2011, I started this Blog

It was intended to be a Writing Blog, designed to get me into the habit of Writing on a regular basis

In fact I set a goal at its’ inception of 1,000 Words Per Day (On average), and for the first year and a half, I averaged more

My goal was set on the premise that I’d always heard which is, ‘Writers Write’

Anyway, it worked… I’ve been writing on and off in this Blog for the last 9 years

Originally I wrote about things that interest me, then quickly moved onto Poetry, Blog Stories, Novellas and even a Fantasy Novel

In fact in 2012 I Self Published a Poetry Book based on the first batch of Poems written in this blog

‘Winter, Lust And Wonder’

As well as my First Novella

‘I Died Once’

I also wrote my First Complete Fantasy Novel

‘Chess With Agatha’

Hired an Editor for it, but still didn’t feel it was ready for Publishing

I later had a Second Editor give a few Chapters a go, and during she asked if it would be alright if she ReWrote a bit of the chapters as well

I was so pleased with her ReWrites, that I decided the only way I would Publish it, is if I could hire her to ReWrite the whole book

Sadly, that has not occurred as of yet… But someday I hope

I have tons, and tons of Poetry in this Blog (You can check it out in the Poems Tab)

As well as Blog Stories (Also many Tabs off to the the right)

But at the end of 2012, I wrote my Follow Up/2nd Novella in the ‘Mady Chronicles’

‘Mady’s Storm’

After that, life got a bit busy, but I still posted in this Blog from time to time

But in 2015 I hired an Editor (The one I want to ReWrite ‘Chess With Agatha’), and Published ‘Mady’s Storm’

By the end of 2015, I was really missing Filmmaking

So I decided to do a Mock Trailer for a Web Series based on the Screenplay ‘White Jade’ I had written back in 2002-04

It was really rough, but still, there was something there that inspired me to move forward and actually create a 16 Episode Web Series for ‘White Jade’

I took the original screenplay, and broke it into 16 parts, then started going into PreProduction

It was around that time that I started going out again, and was able to go to dinner, movies, some stores etc., my hope was I’d be up to Directing the Web Series once it was ready to go

After the Mock Trailer, during the Holidays of 2015, my two nephews came down, and we filmed this short

Then it was straight ahead into PreProduction of ‘White Jade’, the Web Series

Here’s a Video Collage I threw together to inspire the Concept of the Project/Story

In addition to beginning a long Casting Process, here’s a Video of our First (And only) Sword Training for the project

And a PreProduction Video I did later in the year

And a Rehearsal Video from October, 2016

And Two Scenes we Shot in September, but never Post Produced (Added Visual Effects Etc.)

And finally, the Video I made which I planned on using for the Kickstarter

I had 8 Actors lined up, a Makeup Artist, Costume Design Concepts from a whole class of Costume Design Students from a nearby College, I had the Budget Planned out for the whole 16 Episodes, I had a CoProducer, a Visual Effects Person/Assistant Director, some locations chosen…

…then, life stepped in

First of all, at the end of 2016, my Third Uncle (I lost two earlier) passed away, and it hit me really hard

Then, while trying some new medicines, I had a severe Anxiety Attack caused by side effects

At that point, it had been so long since I had, had an Anxiety Attack, I decided to take the Holidays off, and work on the Kickstarter in the beginning of 2017

In the early part of 2017, I also parted ways with my Visual Effects/Assistant Director, which was a huge blow to the project

He was the one that was going to create the ‘Futuristic World’ of ‘White Jade’

I looked for a replacement, but finding someone who was willing to work without pay, was very difficult…

After finishing the preparations of the Kickstarter, I came to the painful realization, that the latest Anxiety Attack had lead to me not going out again, which meant I wouldn’t be able to Direct the Project

I then sent a difficult Email to my Actors, suspending Production of ‘White Jade’

The Truth – Part II

Posted in Film, Film Making, Filmmaker, Writing with tags , , on October 24, 2020 by darkjade68

The Truth

Part One

Part Two

After 8 months of working on experimental filmmaking, basically teaching myself how to make films, I moved back to Southern California

There I began writing a Teleplay (Screenplay for a Television Series) for a Science Fiction Series, called ‘Masters of Mars’

I wrote the First Three Episodes of it, and continued doing Filmmaking with action figures, but also started to make miniature sets

My brother then convinced me to move back to Oregon, once more, this time I told him that I didn’t want to film action figures anymore, I wanted to do a Short Film…

…he said ok

I then moved up there once more, but it was rough… 9/11 had happened several months before, and finding any kind of work, even temporary work, was largely impossible

During my time there, though I was very stressed about money, I wrote my first full written for feature film screenplay, ‘White Jade’…

My plan was to try to sell feature film screenplays, and use the money to produce my own films

I also wrote a play while I was there…

…but in the end, my brother was having serious issues with his marriage, and simply couldn’t make time to work on a Short Film

I suspect the true reason he wanted me to move there, was because he was really struggling in his life

Out of frustration, I sat down one day and wrote a 5 minute Short Film, called my brother, and asked him if I could borrow him for an hour

Then I shot over there, and started to film the short film, feeding him lines as we went

I shot this film in an hour and a half, and though there are shots I would have liked to shoot over, over all I think it got the message across

Here it is

After I shot the footage, I went home and spent 8 to 12 hours Editing it, then submitted it to a Video and Film Festival in New York, and got it in

My brother than got a job in Northern California, and moved away, leaving me there, though I’d moved up there for him

I had no money, but after several months, was finally able to move back to Southern California

I then flew with my Dad to New York to see the Short Film up on the big-ish screen, and seeing it up there made me feel I was at last a Filmmaker

Three months later I ended up in the hospital

I’d stopped taking some medicines when I went to Oregon earlier that year, due to the fact that I couldn’t find money, and lost my insurance

After 10 days of being in the hospital, I was feeling weak, but better

I then moved to Scottsdale Arizona in 2003, to live near my Step Brother, and began writing my next film

This one would be an hour long

But the medical issues I was healing from lead to some trauma in Arizona, which caused PTSD

So I moved back to my mom’s house in Southern California, and rested for a moment

But several months later I moved to Northern California to be near my bro again, but after several severe anxiety attacks, I returned to my mom’s home once more, and realized I just wasn’t going to be able to pursue Filmmaking for a bit

So instead, I picked up the Feature Film Screenplay First Draft I wrote in Oregon two years before, and started Editing/Rewriting the heck out of it…

…poured hundreds of hours into it

Growing it from an 80 page First Draft, to a 123 page Final Draft

I then wrote a Query Letter, and started sending it out to Writing Agents, in hopes to get one to read my screenplay, and hopefully represent me

To no avail

At that point, I decided I needed to take a break from pursuing my dreams for a while, and started playing ‘World of Warcraft’ for the next 4 1/2 years…

…I mean, I played a lot

I loved it, don’t regret it, but wasn’t really going out of the house because of the anxiety which basically changed into a fear of anxiety (Panic Disorder)

Basically I didn’t want to go out, not because I had anxiety, but because I feared having an anxiety attack when I was out

It had happened several times by now, and it made me feel out of control emotionally, and caused me to have ‘Fight or Flight’ instincts come up because of the PTSD, even though I wasn’t in any actually danger

Dear Me

Posted in Dreams, Dungeons And Dragons, Fantasy Novel, Film, Film Making, Novella, Star Wars, Web Series, White Jade, Writing with tags , , , , on March 11, 2019 by darkjade68

Star Wars Movie Poster 2

In 1975 I wanted to be a Baseball Player (Pitcher), but my parents divorced, and we lived in a remote canyon, so I was pretty sure my mom would never be able to get me to Little League practice.

So I let that dream go, though my mom says I only ever mentioned Baseball once to her a as a kid.

I was shy, and soft spoken, so I didn’t talk much, other than to my brother who was 15 months younger than me.

In 1977, my brother, mom and I saw the Original Star Wars in the theatre…

From that day forward, I wanted to be a Filmmaker.

1980

Then came The Empire Strikes Back (1980), the best sequel ever, which firmly cemented the notion of Film Making in my mind/heart.

Twenty two years after the Original Star Wars, I stepped away from a successful Corporate America Job, moved near my bro in Oregon, bought a video camera, and started working on Experimental Film Projects.

It wasn’t until that time, that I realized I also wanted to Write my Films.

After 7 months of messen around/writing/filming, I moved back to Southern California, and was back working in a cubical, but for half the money I was making before.

In my spare time I wrote a Teleplay (Screenplay for television) of a Sci-Fi Mini Series that I hoped to submit to the Sci-Fi Channel.

Also, as a Film Making exercise, I created mini sets, and Filmed Action Figure versions of some of the initial Scenes.

In 2002 I moved back to Oregon to work on Short Films with my bro, to submit into Film Festivals.

To my dismay, he had no time to do this.

Then out of frustration I wrote a 5 minute Short Film, and Filmed it in an hour and a half…

…Edited it, and Submitted it to a Film Festival in New York.

It got in.

Forgive the rough quality, it was Shot in Hi-8, then converted to Digital…

…and, like I say, was Shot in only an hour and a half.

Also that year, I Wrote a First Draft of a Feature Length Screenplay, with hopes of selling it someday, and using the money to Produce my own projects.

It was called ‘White Jade’

In September of 2002, I flew with my Dad to New York, and saw my Short Film on the Big Screen (It was actually like a half sized screen, lol).

It was at that moment I thought to myself, “I’m a Filmmaker”.

Sadly 3 months later, I ended up in the hospital with a health issue, and decided to step away from Film.

That didn’t last long, in the following year I moved to Arizona to stay with my Step Bro this time, and started to Write & gather some people who would work on what would be my Second Film (This one would be an hour long).

Sadly, I went through some trauma related to my health issues, and needed to move back to Southern California to live with my Mom and her boyfriend.

There I suffered extreme anxiety from the trauma, so didn’t go out much.

But I did pick up my White Jade Screenplay, and poured hundreds of hours into it.

Then in 2004 I Wrote Query Letters for it, and Submitted to Writing Agents, in hopes that they might read it, and Represent me.

Sadly, no response.

That year I also started some other Screenplays, but White Jade is the only one I Edited hundreds of hours, to create a finished product.

In 2005 I took a break from Dream Chasing, and wasn’t really leaving the house.

In 2006 I started a job outside the house, and would be there for 6 months.

During that time I hired a Comic Book Artist (Student) to Draw some Scenes from White Jade, so that should the opportunity arise, I’d have some visuals to show potential Producers.

 

I was so impressed by the Art, that I decided to try and make White Jade into a Comic Book, and hired the same Artist to Draw me the First 8 Pages of the Comic Book.

 

Including Covers for Issue 1, & 2.

 

I then Submitted the Comic Book Pages and Cover #1 to Dark Horse Comics, and a few other Independent Comic Book Companies (I didn’t try for Marvel, or DC, figured they were more Main Stream), to no avail.

I then had a severe anxiety attack while I was out, and had to leave the job.

Image result for world of warcraft

From 2006-2011 I played a whole lot of World of Warcraft, lol

Which was great, and gave me a break from pursuing my dreams, as well as an opportunity to heal a bit emotionally from the trauma.

Wasn’t really leaving the house during 2007-2010.

In 2010, I moved out for a year and a half, and started going out again.

In 2011 I moved back home to my Moms’, and decided to Create a Writing Blog… This was the Blog.

When I started this Blog my hope was to get in the habit of Writing everyday, by shooting for an average of 600 Words per day, which wasn’t all that much.

It worked, I actually averaged somewhere around 1,200+ Words per day for a year and a half, and created a boat load of Poems, Blog Stories, a Couple Novellas & a Fantasy Novel.

i-died-once-cover

In 2012, I Self Published some Poems, a ‘Partial Comic Book’ (The White Jade Pages), and my First Novella, “I Died Once”.

mady-cover2

In late 2012 I wrote the Second Novella in the Series “Mady’s Storm”, but didn’t end up getting it Edited, and Self Published until 2015.

cwa

Also in 2012 I Wrote/Finished my First Fantasy Novel, “Chess With Agatha”, and hired an Editor.

After it was Edited, I still didn’t feel it was ready to Self Publish, so I sat it aside.

In 2013 slowed down on my Writing.

In 2015 I was missing Film Making, and still not leaving the house, ended up for the fun of it Filming a ‘Mock’ Trailer for White Jade.

I was so inspired by it, that I decided to break the Screenplay up into 16 Episodes, and Produce a 16 Part Web Series.

I also started to leave the house at this time.

The Pre-Production would last 8 to 10 Months…

(Sword Training Above).

During that time I poured hundreds and hundred of hours into Pre-Production

(Rehearsal Above)

(First Filmed Scene, which would have had Visual Effects added to enhance)

And even Filmed a couple Scenes from Episode 7 & 10 (Early), which was when the Actor was available.

(Second Filmed Scene, which also would have been enhanced by Visual Effects)

Everything was going really well, but sadly, I went through some personal things, coupled with a bad anxiety attack, and stopped going out again.

I kept working on Pre-Production, but after several months of not going out, I decided to bring the Production to a halt.

Wanting to put myself at ease, I returned to an old Hobby of mine from the 80’s 90’s, Dungeons & Dragons.

Something I’ve always been passionate about, and also an excellent tool for sharpening your Writing/Character/Character Development/Storytelling Skills.

But I did it for sheer pleasure.

But being who I am, I spent the next 6 months creating Conent, and even thought about Self Publishing some of it.

frm

But I decided against it.

I now sit in a place, where I play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons, do some Writing on here, and miss Film Making.

Something that I ran into when I was doing Rehearsals for White Jade was, I came to the realization that I may have a ‘Fear of Success’ (Some have fear of failure, some have fear of success).

What I mean by that is, after I finished a really good White Jade Rehearsal, it hit me that if we do actually Produce the Episodes, and it has any kind of success/following etc., that it would all rest on me to keep it going…

…that all involved would rely on me to keep it going.

And all the fun etc. that they had with it, would be on me.

It shook me.

I never realized I had any kind of fear in regards to this.

Part of it may have to do with I hate pressure… The other part may have to do with I’d been through so much anxiety stuff, I feared the responsibility of it would stress me out.

Then there’s the other part which is, basically, I have no idea why I was worried, and/or why I worry.

I’m very happy with all of my creations, and yes I’d love to make a living, and just create create create, doing what I love…

…connecting and inspiring people, which has always been my main hope.

But at this point, I’m just not sure I’m up to it…

…up to success.

Up to the emotional trials.

Time will tell I guess.

Nuff Said,

Thanks for Listening/Reading

DarkJade-

Wise

Posted in Writing with tags , on January 17, 2019 by darkjade68

Learning About Panic Attacks

Posted in Life, Writing with tags , on September 21, 2017 by darkjade68

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I Came Across This Article, And Thought I’d Share This Excerpt 

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

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After months of suffering and pain, I decided to give up the fight against panic attacks. I was tired of running away from these panic attacks and their symptoms. I decided to try something different and unconventional, and surprisingly it worked. Instead of running from these panic attacks, I decided to embrace them. Instead of overreacting with fear to the symptoms of panic, I turned my attention towards understanding them. What surprised me was that this shift in perception and attitude came with a great deal of power and ease. I started feeling so much better. I was not overreacting anymore and my symptoms were disappearing at a faster rate.

I also started realizing that panic attacks are good for you. I say that because panic attacks are symptoms of stress and worrying. When you experience a panic attack, it’s the body’s way of telling you that it has reached its stress limit and that you need to take corrective action to reduce the stress that your body is going through. The bodily sensations that you experience before a panic attack are your body getting rid of excess energy that is caused by too much stress and worrying. And because many people don’t understand this, they think when they experience these bodily sensations they are having a heart attack or something bad is about to happen. And that’s not true.

Almost every panic attack is triggered by an unusual bodily sensation. The most common bodily sensations  include a pounding heart, tightness of chest or throat, light headedness, dizzy spells, sweating, or shortness of breath. If you don’t understand these sensations they can lead to intense confusion and fear. The key in stopping panic attacks is in how you respond to these bodily sensations when you first notice them. If you choose to overreact with fear to these sensations you feel, your body’s fight-or-flight response mechanism is switched on and that could eventually lead to a full-blown panic attack. If you do not overreact to these bodily sensations, then it’s not a panic attack, just adrenalin rushing through your body.

Scary, terrifying and uncomfortable as it is, a panic attack is not dangerous. A panic attack will not kill you. Panic attacks are just symptoms of stress and worrying. You have the power within you to stop them, and that power is your willingness to learn and grow from them. Your willingness to go through it, to move towards the feelings of panic and embrace them, will help you overcome the fear of panic attacks and fully recover. That’s the only way to get better and get your life back. You have to see the panic through. You have to let it show you its real nature. You have to stop avoiding these feelings because avoidance does not get you anywhere.

After having suffered with panic attacks myself, I know that this is not easy to do, but that’s the only way forward. Whatever you resists, persists and whatever you embrace get’s dissolved.

How To Deal With Chronic Fear And Anxiety

Posted in Life, Writing with tags , , on March 17, 2017 by darkjade68

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ORIGINALLY POSTED HERE

How to Deal with Chronic Fear and Anxiety

chronic%20anxiety%20manIn this section we address things you can do on your own to work with fear and anxiety. We do not cover the many valuable techniques and therapies available when working with professional psychologists or other providers. These are essential for those who have experienced trauma or are suffering from intense chronic fear or anxiety.

Avoid avoidance

The only way to deal with fear is to face it. Avoiding it prevents us from moving forward—it makes us anxious. Therapists can be invaluable in helping us work through our avoiding strategies. If you have experienced trauma, it is especially important to work with a therapist to create a safe environment where you can face your fear and reconstruct your memories.Learn more about mindfulness

Another technique in milder situations is to use mindfulness meditation techniques to sit with what is arising. All you need to do is sit quietly and observe the present moment. If fear or anxiety arises, recognize it. Watch it rise up. Notice how it feels in your body. Observe it as it is; don’t try to get rid of it or change it.

Black One

Posted in Poem, Poetry, Writing with tags on December 21, 2015 by darkjade68

This Is A Bit Of A Departure From The Holiday Poems I’ve Been Posting Lately… Forgive The Darker Tone…

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Black One

I Have Become All Too Familiar With Thee

Much More Than I Ever Would Have Intended…

Or Hoped

As I Find Myself Trying To Break From Your Embrace…

I Am Met With Legions Of Fears…

And Thoughts In My Way

It’s Not Your Fault Really…

Sent Here To Defend Me From This Sometimes Difficult Realm

And Yet Your Presence Is No Longer Needed Here…

Why Do You Stay

I Remember The Friends I’ve Lost Along The Way…

They Could Not Face Their Heroes Fall

I Remember Cool Evening Nights…

And Long Winter Days

And How I Danced With Winding Roads…

My Black Wings, Gone Astray

I’m Not Big On Complaining… No

But Maybe You Could…

Make Your Way

You Are Not Needed…

Wanted

Desired In Any Way…

As I Lay Here Pondering The Day Sky

Blocked By The Clouds You Display

I Think… There May Be Hope Yet

In This Long… Long

Too Long Life And Day

PICTURE CREDIT – Black Hole

dArKjAdE-