Archive for Anxiety

Dear Me

Posted in Dreams, Dungeons And Dragons, Fantasy Novel, Film, Film Making, Novella, Star Wars, Web Series, White Jade, Writing with tags , , , , on March 11, 2019 by darkjade68

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In 1975 I wanted to be a Baseball Player (Pitcher), but my parents divorced, and we lived in a remote canyon, so I was pretty sure my mom would never be able to get me to Little League practice.

So I let that dream go, though my mom says I only ever mentioned Baseball once to her a as a kid.

I was shy, and soft spoken, so I didn’t talk much, other than to my brother who was 15 months younger than me.

In 1977, my brother, mom and I saw the Original Star Wars in the theatre…

From that day forward, I wanted to be a Filmmaker.

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Then came The Empire Strikes Back (1980), the best sequel ever, which firmly cemented the notion of Film Making in my mind/heart.

Twenty two years after the Original Star Wars, I stepped away from a successful Corporate America Job, moved near my bro in Oregon, bought a video camera, and started working on Experimental Film Projects.

It wasn’t until that time, that I realized I also wanted to Write my Films.

After 7 months of messen around/writing/filming, I moved back to Southern California, and was back working in a cubical, but for half the money I was making before.

In my spare time I wrote a Teleplay (Screenplay for television) of a Sci-Fi Mini Series that I hoped to submit to the Sci-Fi Channel.

Also, as a Film Making exercise, I created mini sets, and Filmed Action Figure versions of some of the initial Scenes.

In 2002 I moved back to Oregon to work on Short Films with my bro, to submit into Film Festivals.

To my dismay, he had no time to do this.

Then out of frustration I wrote a 5 minute Short Film, and Filmed it in an hour and a half…

…Edited it, and Submitted it to a Film Festival in New York.

It got in.

Forgive the rough quality, it was Shot in Hi-8, then converted to Digital…

…and, like I say, was Shot in only an hour and a half.

Also that year, I Wrote a First Draft of a Feature Length Screenplay, with hopes of selling it someday, and using the money to Produce my own projects.

It was called ‘White Jade’

In September of 2002, I flew with my Dad to New York, and saw my Short Film on the Big Screen (It was actually like a half sized screen, lol).

It was at that moment I thought to myself, “I’m a Filmmaker”.

Sadly 3 months later, I ended up in the hospital with a health issue, and decided to step away from Film.

That didn’t last long, in the following year I moved to Arizona to stay with my Step Bro this time, and started to Write & gather some people who would work on what would be my Second Film (This one would be an hour long).

Sadly, I went through some trauma related to my health issues, and needed to move back to Southern California to live with my Mom and her boyfriend.

There I suffered extreme anxiety from the trauma, so didn’t go out much.

But I did pick up my White Jade Screenplay, and poured hundreds of hours into it.

Then in 2004 I Wrote Query Letters for it, and Submitted to Writing Agents, in hopes that they might read it, and Represent me.

Sadly, no response.

That year I also started some other Screenplays, but White Jade is the only one I Edited hundreds of hours, to create a finished product.

In 2005 I took a break from Dream Chasing, and wasn’t really leaving the house.

In 2006 I started a job outside the house, and would be there for 6 months.

During that time I hired a Comic Book Artist (Student) to Draw some Scenes from White Jade, so that should the opportunity arise, I’d have some visuals to show potential Producers.

 

I was so impressed by the Art, that I decided to try and make White Jade into a Comic Book, and hired the same Artist to Draw me the First 8 Pages of the Comic Book.

 

Including Covers for Issue 1, & 2.

 

I then Submitted the Comic Book Pages and Cover #1 to Dark Horse Comics, and a few other Independent Comic Book Companies (I didn’t try for Marvel, or DC, figured they were more Main Stream), to no avail.

I then had a severe anxiety attack while I was out, and had to leave the job.

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From 2006-2011 I played a whole lot of World of Warcraft, lol

Which was great, and gave me a break from pursuing my dreams, as well as an opportunity to heal a bit emotionally from the trauma.

Wasn’t really leaving the house during 2007-2010.

In 2010, I moved out for a year and a half, and started going out again.

In 2011 I moved back home to my Moms’, and decided to Create a Writing Blog… This was the Blog.

When I started this Blog my hope was to get in the habit of Writing everyday, by shooting for an average of 600 Words per day, which wasn’t all that much.

It worked, I actually averaged somewhere around 1,200+ Words per day for a year and a half, and created a boat load of Poems, Blog Stories, a Couple Novellas & a Fantasy Novel.

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In 2012, I Self Published some Poems, a ‘Partial Comic Book’ (The White Jade Pages), and my First Novella, “I Died Once”.

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In late 2012 I wrote the Second Novella in the Series “Mady’s Storm”, but didn’t end up getting it Edited, and Self Published until 2015.

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Also in 2012 I Wrote/Finished my First Fantasy Novel, “Chess With Agatha”, and hired an Editor.

After it was Edited, I still didn’t feel it was ready to Self Publish, so I sat it aside.

In 2013 slowed down on my Writing.

In 2015 I was missing Film Making, and still not leaving the house, ended up for the fun of it Filming a ‘Mock’ Trailer for White Jade.

I was so inspired by it, that I decided to break the Screenplay up into 16 Episodes, and Produce a 16 Part Web Series.

I also started to leave the house at this time.

The Pre-Production would last 8 to 10 Months…

(Sword Training Above).

During that time I poured hundreds and hundred of hours into Pre-Production

(Rehearsal Above)

(First Filmed Scene, which would have had Visual Effects added to enhance)

And even Filmed a couple Scenes from Episode 7 & 10 (Early), which was when the Actor was available.

(Second Filmed Scene, which also would have been enhanced by Visual Effects)

Everything was going really well, but sadly, I went through some personal things, coupled with a bad anxiety attack, and stopped going out again.

I kept working on Pre-Production, but after several months of not going out, I decided to bring the Production to a halt.

Wanting to put myself at ease, I returned to an old Hobby of mine from the 80’s 90’s, Dungeons & Dragons.

Something I’ve always been passionate about, and also an excellent tool for sharpening your Writing/Character/Character Development/Storytelling Skills.

But I did it for sheer pleasure.

But being who I am, I spent the next 6 months creating Conent, and even thought about Self Publishing some of it.

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But I decided against it.

I now sit in a place, where I play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons, do some Writing on here, and miss Film Making.

Something that I ran into when I was doing Rehearsals for White Jade was, I came to the realization that I may have a ‘Fear of Success’ (Some have fear of failure, some have fear of success).

What I mean by that is, after I finished a really good White Jade Rehearsal, it hit me that if we do actually Produce the Episodes, and it has any kind of success/following etc., that it would all rest on me to keep it going…

…that all involved would rely on me to keep it going.

And all the fun etc. that they had with it, would be on me.

It shook me.

I never realized I had any kind of fear in regards to this.

Part of it may have to do with I hate pressure… The other part may have to do with I’d been through so much anxiety stuff, I feared the responsibility of it would stress me out.

Then there’s the other part which is, basically, I have no idea why I was worried, and/or why I worry.

I’m very happy with all of my creations, and yes I’d love to make a living, and just create create create, doing what I love…

…connecting and inspiring people, which has always been my main hope.

But at this point, I’m just not sure I’m up to it…

…up to success.

Up to the emotional trials.

Time will tell I guess.

Nuff Said,

Thanks for Listening/Reading

DarkJade-

Wise

Posted in Writing with tags , on January 17, 2019 by darkjade68

Learning About Panic Attacks

Posted in Life, Writing with tags , on September 21, 2017 by darkjade68

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I Came Across This Article, And Thought I’d Share This Excerpt 

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

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After months of suffering and pain, I decided to give up the fight against panic attacks. I was tired of running away from these panic attacks and their symptoms. I decided to try something different and unconventional, and surprisingly it worked. Instead of running from these panic attacks, I decided to embrace them. Instead of overreacting with fear to the symptoms of panic, I turned my attention towards understanding them. What surprised me was that this shift in perception and attitude came with a great deal of power and ease. I started feeling so much better. I was not overreacting anymore and my symptoms were disappearing at a faster rate.

I also started realizing that panic attacks are good for you. I say that because panic attacks are symptoms of stress and worrying. When you experience a panic attack, it’s the body’s way of telling you that it has reached its stress limit and that you need to take corrective action to reduce the stress that your body is going through. The bodily sensations that you experience before a panic attack are your body getting rid of excess energy that is caused by too much stress and worrying. And because many people don’t understand this, they think when they experience these bodily sensations they are having a heart attack or something bad is about to happen. And that’s not true.

Almost every panic attack is triggered by an unusual bodily sensation. The most common bodily sensations  include a pounding heart, tightness of chest or throat, light headedness, dizzy spells, sweating, or shortness of breath. If you don’t understand these sensations they can lead to intense confusion and fear. The key in stopping panic attacks is in how you respond to these bodily sensations when you first notice them. If you choose to overreact with fear to these sensations you feel, your body’s fight-or-flight response mechanism is switched on and that could eventually lead to a full-blown panic attack. If you do not overreact to these bodily sensations, then it’s not a panic attack, just adrenalin rushing through your body.

Scary, terrifying and uncomfortable as it is, a panic attack is not dangerous. A panic attack will not kill you. Panic attacks are just symptoms of stress and worrying. You have the power within you to stop them, and that power is your willingness to learn and grow from them. Your willingness to go through it, to move towards the feelings of panic and embrace them, will help you overcome the fear of panic attacks and fully recover. That’s the only way to get better and get your life back. You have to see the panic through. You have to let it show you its real nature. You have to stop avoiding these feelings because avoidance does not get you anywhere.

After having suffered with panic attacks myself, I know that this is not easy to do, but that’s the only way forward. Whatever you resists, persists and whatever you embrace get’s dissolved.

How To Deal With Chronic Fear And Anxiety

Posted in Life, Writing with tags , , on March 17, 2017 by darkjade68

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ORIGINALLY POSTED HERE

How to Deal with Chronic Fear and Anxiety

chronic%20anxiety%20manIn this section we address things you can do on your own to work with fear and anxiety. We do not cover the many valuable techniques and therapies available when working with professional psychologists or other providers. These are essential for those who have experienced trauma or are suffering from intense chronic fear or anxiety.

Avoid avoidance

The only way to deal with fear is to face it. Avoiding it prevents us from moving forward—it makes us anxious. Therapists can be invaluable in helping us work through our avoiding strategies. If you have experienced trauma, it is especially important to work with a therapist to create a safe environment where you can face your fear and reconstruct your memories.Learn more about mindfulness

Another technique in milder situations is to use mindfulness meditation techniques to sit with what is arising. All you need to do is sit quietly and observe the present moment. If fear or anxiety arises, recognize it. Watch it rise up. Notice how it feels in your body. Observe it as it is; don’t try to get rid of it or change it.

Black One

Posted in Poem, Poetry, Writing with tags on December 21, 2015 by darkjade68

This Is A Bit Of A Departure From The Holiday Poems I’ve Been Posting Lately… Forgive The Darker Tone…

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Black One

I Have Become All Too Familiar With Thee

Much More Than I Ever Would Have Intended…

Or Hoped

As I Find Myself Trying To Break From Your Embrace…

I Am Met With Legions Of Fears…

And Thoughts In My Way

It’s Not Your Fault Really…

Sent Here To Defend Me From This Sometimes Difficult Realm

And Yet Your Presence Is No Longer Needed Here…

Why Do You Stay

I Remember The Friends I’ve Lost Along The Way…

They Could Not Face Their Heroes Fall

I Remember Cool Evening Nights…

And Long Winter Days

And How I Danced With Winding Roads…

My Black Wings, Gone Astray

I’m Not Big On Complaining… No

But Maybe You Could…

Make Your Way

You Are Not Needed…

Wanted

Desired In Any Way…

As I Lay Here Pondering The Day Sky

Blocked By The Clouds You Display

I Think… There May Be Hope Yet

In This Long… Long

Too Long Life And Day

PICTURE CREDIT – Black Hole

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