Archive for Father

How To Re-Parent Your Broken Inner Child

Posted in Family, Life, Psychology, Writing with tags , on January 15, 2017 by darkjade68


(The Title Of This Post Comes From An Article I Was Just Reading, Which You Can Find HERE)

It wasn’t until this year, at age 48, that I finally began to consciously feel the fact that my dad left when I was two-ish

More than that, my parents got back together a couple years later and tried again to no avail

At the time he left the second time, I was glad

I remember thinking that they weren’t a good match

Growing up with a single mom was a powerful, amazing thing

Sure, it wasn’t perfect… Mainly because there were times when my brother and I were home alone

But she really loved us, and showed it

But now at 48, a few months after losing my Third Uncle out of Four

I find myself running out of Father-ish figures in my life

My last post was about Leonard Nimoy who I really admired

When he passed, I do believe I lost one of the Men I looked up to/admired to in my life

And it affected me a lot

But after losing this Third Uncle, who I really didn’t see very much during my life

But got along well with, and always kinda knew he was out there

I’ve hit a point that I think I have some healing to do in this area

Growing up without my Dad around, I always felt I adapted, as humans can do to a degree, and thus didn’t really need one

My mom has been with her Boyfriend for the last 39 years

And he and I are very close

But she told him, and any men she dated right from the start, not to parent us

And so, though I admire her boyfriend very much

He generally never Fathered me

On a Creative and Spiritual Level during the last 15 years, I’ve had a lot of growth

But in other ways, I’ve had some difficult things I’ve been dealing with

Namely some Anxiety issues

And though I had some serious breakthroughs last year

By the end of October last year, I found myself having to deal with them more again

Mainly, I suspect, due to several very stressful situations that were going on

Including losing my Uncle

I’ve been giving myself time to Heal…

And I have Healed greatly

But, like I say, just during this first part of the year I’ve come to realize more and more how much not having an emotional available father in my life is

I have had my Dad in my life my whole life…

But it’s a certain kind of relationship

One where we love, and like one another

But also one where I don’t feel he really knows me all that well

And now he’s 77, and I really don’t feel there’s any point in trying to convey this to him

He’s battling with being older I feel

And is doing the best he can

I used to call him every week or two, just to keep in touch

But that has become harder recently


The pain I’ve been feeling is very real in regards to all of this

And I am doing the best I can to cope, heal, and grow

Thanks for Reading/Listening

Hopefully some of you out there can relate



I Need A Father

Posted in Life with tags , on January 31, 2015 by darkjade68

Beach_father_and_his_children_prints_oil_painting_on_c_002I Need A Father

Only took 46 years to figure that one out

As I sit here in the mist of a rebirth into a larger life

I’ve come to the realization that I could have really used a dad in my life

Don’t get me wrong, my biological father is still around

And he is a great man

But he wasn’t around when I was a kid (the same house that is), and in his case, it was better for me

Because he was a bit lost

Also, I did grow up around a great man, that being my mom’s boyfriend

But he’s only been a dad in a kinda of learn by example kind of way

Meaning, he wasn’t allowed to parent us, per my mom’s wishes

No other men were

But because he’s such a great, and amazing man, there was a very profound affect on me growing up around him


This isn’t what I’m talking about

When I think now of what I would have liked a father to be

I would have liked a man who spent time with me

Talked to me… Showed things to me

Loved, and got to know me

Someone I could emmulate

Though I do emulate aspects from both my Dad, and my mom’s boyfriend

I think I would have liked to have a father like me

I love kids, I always have

And I’ve always spoke, and listened to them as though they are people

Not just little monsters that make too much noise in restaurants

I also realize, that they are not adults… And so look to you for guidance

Be it directly, or through osmosis

As I breakthrough this current situation in my life

And look to grow and expand my life again

I find myself wishing that I had a dad that would take my arm as I make it to my feet

Dust off my shoulders

And take a walk with me

tumblr_lgippgtBd71qdgtrro1_500But not just now, I wish I had always had that

I draw a lot of my strength from who I am

And from my mother

Who is an amazing woman

But she could have used having her father around a bit longer as well

He passed soon after I was born

In the end, we have to parent ourselves

And that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing my whole life

But still

in moments like this

I could use a boost

(found out a few years back that my dad and I share favorite beatle albums)




Posted in Entertainment, Love, Poem, Poetry, Scribblings with tags on April 23, 2013 by darkjade68


I thought of you today…

We are not so close

Not really…

We are friends, and we do speak

But as time goes by, I wonder…

Wonder of a world without you

You are wise…

And you are good

And yet…

We are not all together close

And I fear that any closer isn’t really possible

I hope you are well…

I think that you are

(Though we aren’t all that close, strangely we both have the same favorite Beatle album)



Sophia Cloud – Father

Posted in Entertainment, Fiction, Story with tags , , on November 7, 2012 by darkjade68

Sophia Cloud

by DarkJade

Chapter 1

Chapter 2


Chapter Three – Father



Sophia Cloud stepss out of the questioning room, tossing the gold band that apparently belonged to her now dead husband, up and down in the air.

“MRS. CLOUD!” suddenly calls Detective Lolette Jones, also coming out of the questioning room after Sophia.

“Yes?” responds Malcolm Cloud’s real wife, who is waiting in a chair near by.

Sophia comes to a halt, and eyes the woman who is apparently her husband’s real wife.

She is a short dark haired woman… Maybe 30… Attractive… With a mink scarf, and diamond earrings.

Detective Jones realizing that she just yelled out “Mrs. Jones”, not thinking about how the two of them would both likely respond.

Sophia then walks over to the real Mrs. Cloud and holds up the gold band.

“This was your husbands” with this she drops it into Markus Cloud’s real wife’s hand.

She is in shock.

“Congratulations on the 8.3 million estate…” Sophia says as she walks away.

“Too bad he borrowed 8 million of it from me… I’ll see you in court” are Sophia’s last words as she leaves.




Joseph Eddington, a fifty something year old, distinguished/pompous looking man in a silver mustache, stands behind his large black desk, gazing out the window.

Sitting across from him is Sophia Cloud… His daughter.

“So let me get this straight… I offer you a 250 million dollar bank account, if you just come work for me, and not marry that fool Markus Cloud” with this he now looks at his daughter.

“And now you’re telling me, the 8 million your grandmother left you, you gave to him, and now he’s not only dead… But he was never really married to you?” her father finishes with a sneer.

Sophia has her head bowed a bit “Something like that”

Eddington goes to his desk, where he opens up his large black check book.

“Sophia, you’re an even bigger idiot than I ever thought possible” he says as he writes her a check.

He hands her a two million dollar check.

“Go get yourself somewhere to live… Then contact me in a week… My job offer is still open… But you’re only getting 125 million if you join me” he explains, which causes Sophia to look at him.

“You’ve gotta learn somehow… Now get out of here, I have an important investor coming in soon” he says as he goes to his liquor counter, and pours himself a glass of whiskey.

Sophia sits and stares at the 2 million dollar check… Disgusted with herself for taking it, she swallows her pride, and leaves.



Detective John Hollings sits at his desk, stirring his coffee with the back of a pen.

Detective Lolette Jones, his partner, steps into the office.

“Well… That’s that” she says as she sits at a chair in front of John’s desk.

“All the alibis seem to be air tight with the two Cloud Wives… How weird was that by the way” she says, but John is lost in thought.

“John? Are you listening?” she asks.

He looks up at her “Sorry Lolette… There’s just something strange about Sophia Cloud don’t you think”

“Well… Yeah… But that doesn’t make her a murderer” she replies.

“Yeah… But” he says.

“John… Let it go… We don’t have a case… No prints on, or near the body parts… The wives alibis sealed tight… We’ve got nothing” Lolette finishes, then stands up to leave.

“Yeah… I guess…” he solemnly replies, still stirring his coffee.


Markus Cloud’s real wife enters the up town restaurant, The Quandary. Sophia Cloud’s favorite hangout.

Sophia Cloud is sitting at her reserved table, drinking white wine.

Markus Cloud’s real wife walks up to the table and slaps down a check for 8 million dollars.

“I don’t want your money… In fact I don’t want anymore to do with you” she says, then turns to walk away.

Sopha lights a long cigarette “Good… This way I don’t have to kill you” replies Sophia as she takes a hit off her cigarette, which stops Markus’s wife in her tracks… But then she continues walking, and leaves the restaurant.

Sophia smiles and takes her father’s 2 million dollar check out of her purse.

“Sorry daddy…” and rips it to pieces.


PICTURE CREDIT – First Impressions

Lion’s Roar

Posted in Fiction, Lion's Roar, Novel, Story, Writing with tags , , , on October 30, 2011 by darkjade68


A Novel

by DarkJade


“Within the heart of all of us, there is a Lion…”

“For each of us… A different Prey… For some it is a Love… For others… A Career… And for some, the will to Stay Alive…”

Jack Shade-

Billy Shade, or rather William Jacob Randolph Shade the Second, stands in the doorway of his ran down rental home in Ness City Kansas. He’s a rather thin young man of twenty six, weighing maybe 165lbs. at best. Which wouldn’t be that bad if he wasn’t also 6’2″ in height. His hair was short and spiky brown, but he’d always wanted to grow it out… And now maybe he would.

Billy, though his friends just call him “Shade”, is wearing some old blue jeans, and your standard one size too big white undershirt. In his hands he holds onto an also thin, cat by the name of Jeremiah. Jeremiah meows at Shade to put him down, but he does not listen… He just keeps stroking him and stroking him. Though don’t let old Jeremiah fool you, he’s also purring away, and is basically in kitty paradise.

Shade’s eyes are a dark steel blue, and he simply gazes outward into the warm Kansas Day, lost in thought.

On the kitchen table behind him is an open envelope, with a letter laid out, read, on it.


Dear William,

I’m sorry to have to tell you that your Father, Bill, has died… This is a difficult time for your six half brother’s and step sister as you might imagine. Old Red Horn and his two brother’s have come back to the Ranch early to manage things well your siblings try to deal with the grief. You don’t know old Red Horn, he is a Native American that helps us run cattle during the season. He and his two brothers have meant a great deal to the “Shade Ranch”. Anyway, I’m rambling a bit, I… I just don’t know what I’m going to do without Bill. And your Step Sister Kate is… Well, lets just say she isn’t herself. Now I know you have been estranged from your Father for a long time, some 22 years now, but that’s only because your Mother Marcy wanted it that way. Bill would have preferred both you and your Older Brother Nicholas to be more involved with the Ranch. Such is life. Now your Brother’s and Sister don’t know that I’m writing you this letter, but what they do know is that your Father left in his Will a note asking that we contact you upon his demise. Sadly there is no mention of Nicholas.

It is of the utmost importance that you make your way to Montana, and the Reading of your Father’s last Will and Testimate. I’m sure it’s nothing, he probably left you a bit of money or something, as the Ranch has done quite well, what with Bill, Red Horn and your Six Brother’s running things. My Oldest Joseph has been a great help to your Father, and is very angry now that he’s gone… Oh well, time will hopefully make it easier for him. Anyway, if you could come right away to Montana, I’ve included a round trip ticket for you, and some money.

Most sincerely, your Step Mom




Chapter One – Lion’s Roar – The Arrival

Other Novel’s in progress by DarkJade; “I Died Once” – Writing Project, “One Knight”.

I.D.O. Chapter VI – Taking Flight

Posted in Fiction, I Died Once, Inspiration, Love, Novel, Story, Writing with tags , , on October 20, 2011 by darkjade68

“I Died Once” – Writing Project

by DarkJade

CHAPTER VI – Taking Flight

“You Must Seek The Truth… It is Inherent in you”

“From This Truth… Will come Love…”

“From this Love… You will Fly Free”


The next morning I was awoken by the light oh so bright. An African Day awaited me. Outside I could hear the loud rumblings of some sort of engine.

To my surprise as I drew the curtains back in my room, I could see a decent sized four engine prop plane. Sam, err, my Father, was all garbed out in goggles and a pilots hat and jacket, and was headed towards my guest house.

I quickly threw my dark hair into a ponytail, though my hair is very wavy, and tossed on some khakis and a white blowsy shirt.

He came in. “Good Morning Mady…” he said. I waved back. “It’s time you saw a bit more of Africa, as well as my Diamond Mine”. “Alright?” I replied. “Come on” he waved me outside.

Before I knew it we had taken flight, and I was in the air…

My instinct was to close my eyes, and stick my arm out the window, but I would have to settle for closing my eyes.

“So you really are a Pilot…” I spoke. He looked at me “Yes…”.

This plane was very loud, and yet for some reason I did not mind it’s rumblings. I closed my eyes, and just listened to the engines hum as we hit the sky.

“Look” he touched my arm. I looked down upon the African plain, and saw a whole flock of Giraffes running… Behind them, a Male Lion. I gasped “Will he catch them…” my Father looked at me “All he wants is one…”.

It was beautiful to see… And yet… Somehow… Tragic. My eyes started to tear as we flew over. Wow, it seems as though everything makes me cry these days.

The Sky in front of us was vast to say the least. Filled with strips of invasive clouds, surrounded by soft misty blue skies.

I closed my eyes for most of the journey, as I didn’t need them to see… It was made quite clear to me why I was here. The pains inside would do their best to keep hold. But they would not be victorious… Not here… Not now.

Soon we reached the site of the Diamond Mine, a huge hole the side of a mountain.

“There it is” he said. “Ah…” I replied. He then swung the plane over and around it, and headed off into a completely new direction. “We’re not landing?” I inquired.

“Nah…” he replied. A man of few words. The next half an hour or so were filled with such sites from above, I can hardly put it to words. My insides filled with mysteries and questions that only the landscape could answer.

After a while I found myself dosing off, and noting this, he turned back and headed towards his estate.

Bleary eyed I rolled my head towards him, as I lay it against the seat.

“So… What do yah think?” he asked. “I tried to kill myself” was my reply. With this his eyes widened.

“Well…” he managed. Why did I say that, what was I thinking. “That is a thing” he continued. A thing, yeah, okay, I turned and looked out the window. Suddenly he put his hand on my shoulder, grasping it really, and so I returned my gaze to him, my blue eyes darkened.

He stared at me with his deep brown eyes and said “My god I’m glad you didn’t succeed” and with this, he was the one who teared up… All I could do is simply smile… Something I hadn’t done in a long… Long… Long time.

End of Chapter VI



I.D.O. Chapter Five – Withdrawal

Posted in I Died Once, Love, Novel, Story, Writing with tags , , , , on October 16, 2011 by darkjade68

“I Died Once” – Writing Project

by DarkJade

CHAPTER V – Withdrawl

Our next days of traveling, we didn’t speak all that much… But the Sites and Views of Africa were more than apt to sustain me.

As my deep blue eyes stared outwardly, they seem to widen and deepen… Or at least it felt that way.

Minutes became hours, hours became days… Until at last we reached my Father’s estate. I was starting to give up on referring to him as Sam, even in the sanctum of my own thoughts.

He seemed to have business with a dark skinned man that ran the place well he was gone, and so I adjourned to the room I was given, which was actually near a small lake. I seemed to be dragging a bit today, as my bag seemed quite heavy. And I knew that it was not.

Once inside, it was a very nice room, and would more than due. It was at that point that I found myself, in some sort of catatonic stagger, making my way to the waters edge… And it happened.

The next thing I knew, I had most likely collapsed, as I lay their in a flood of my own tears.

Was it my mother’s death? Or the elapsed vigor of the journeyI knew not.

What I did know was I wasn’t going to let my father find me this way… As I’m sure he too is feeling the affects of this “sudden” daughter. And so I somehow rose to my feet, and made my way to the main house.

He was inside a smoking room, with a short drink of whiskey at his side. “Well hello” with this he rose to his feet, and sat down his paper. “Caught a nap did yah…” this struck me as a curious thing to say, as we had just arrived… But then as I looked at my small watch around my wrist, I realized that I must have been laying by the water for some three hours, and not realized it. I removed the watch and sat it on the end table nearby, for I had no interest in time as of late… Time had stopped the moment I descended into my mother’s pool… And in truth, I have yet to have ascended. He approached me with a smidgen of curiosity in his eyes.

“What’s this on your face…” all slowed down as he reached to my face, and wiped away a bit of dirt near my right eye, the side of my face that had made a resting place of the ground by the water.

I teared up. Now I knew he didn’t know how to react to this, so instead he began to walk by me… I felt my heart sink, but then his hand took mine as he passed “Come on Mady, Tatenda has prepared us some food…”.

And so we went to supper.

End of Chapter Five



I.D.O. Chapter Four – Dream State

Posted in Fiction, I Died Once, Novel, Story, Writing with tags , , , on October 11, 2011 by darkjade68

“I Died Once” – Writing Project

by DarkJade

CHAPTER FOUR – Dream State


A Young dark haired Girl, maybe three, plays with a beach ball by the pool of Mady’s Mother’s estate.

As She plays, she is distracted by the sounds of fighting within her home.

The ball becomes loose, and bounces towards the pool. The little girl pursues it and grabs it just before it falls into the water.

The Fighting continues.

She turns towards the house where she sees a man and woman fighting in the living room of the home.

The little girl takes a step backwards, and is in the pool.

As she falls, she lets go of the ball, and so sinks slowly to the bottom.

She stares upward through the water, but does not breathe. Not one bubble.

Suddenly a man is in the pool, and pulls her out.

“Mady!!”. “Are you alright!!?” he says frantically, the woman stands behind him and watches.


“I can not stay here Scarlet… I must go” are the last words she hears before…


I am awake. I find myself laying inside of some sort of tent. I ascertain that it must be night, as the tent walls glow a wobbling yellow. Like fire light.

I grab a sweater, and step outside.

My Father… Er… Sam…

Has started a campfire, and appears to be cooking something. His back is turned to me.

“Boy you really passed out…” he spoke.

“Mmm” I replied as I approached the fire.

He looked at me, whilst also cooking something on a stick.

“Bad dreams…” interesting that he wasn’t asking, he was simply stating it like a truth.

“Perhaps…” I replied.

Much silence went by, save the clanker of the tin plate as he dished me up some local meat, and greens.

“Thank you”.

The sounds of the African night were… Well… Torrential to the senses.

But to the darkened soul, what else would they be.

It was at this point that he started to interrogate me again… Or rather… Make conversation.

“So… Pool… Last breath… Anything?”. This surprised me, only because of the dream I had just had.

“Was my mother’s name Scarlet?” I replied.

He simply sat there staring at me.

“It used to be… Yes”.

“You didn’t know your mother’s name?”

“No…” I solemnly replied.

“Fred insisted on calling her Mrs. Holden” as that was, er is, Fred’s last name. Frederich Walter Holden the Third. Argh.

“And she insisted that I call her Mother”.

“Well… Yes… Scarlet Violet Monroe… Er… Vanderbelle, was her maiden name”.

“What a tremendous name” I proclaimed.

“Yeah, well, with a great name, came a lot of pressure from her parents… And in the end, her Grandmother Edith Donday Vanderbelle” with this he seemed to almost growl.

“I see”.

“Before you ask me a third time about not breathing in the pool, you might consider talking to me about something trivial…”

“Trivial?” he replied.

“Yes… Like, where I got these boots… Or…” I rise to fetch a glass of water, he hands it to me. “Thank you”.

“Why I never wear my reading glasses, and instead set a book on my desk, and use the telescope from Uncle Henry to read them, whilst I sit in the comfort of my bed…”

He stood “I don’t do trivial…”. With this he cleaned up and headed for a blanket he had laid out on the ground for himself.

I simply watched. Well, no wonder he left my mother, if he doesn’t do trivial, then he couldn’t have possibly “done” her, as the whole of who she was was trivial. I went to bed.

End of Chapter Four



I.D.O. Chapter Three – My Father From Africa?

Posted in Fiction, I Died Once, Novel, Story, Writing with tags , , , on October 3, 2011 by darkjade68

“I Died Once” – Writing Project

by DarkJade


That ride was very odd indeed. The rest of the way I didn’t say a word. When I sent that note to my father’s supposed address in Africa, I never for the life of me expected a reply, and certainly not like this.

Perhaps showing you the note might illuminate a few things.

Dear Father,

Fred has killed mother, and wrapped her in your living room rug.

Best fetch me at once, for he just took three close range shots at my bed with his revolver, fortunately I was out at the pool breathing my last breath.

Your Daughter, Mady

No indeed I did not. And yet, here he was, sitting next to me, almost on top of me really as I was squished between the old man and he. He finally spoke as he rolled a cigarette. “So what’s this you say about Breathing Your Last Breath…” “Huh? Oh… The Note… It’s nothing”. He looked at me “Nothing eh… Doesn’t sound like nothing” I did not reply, and instead went on looking straight ahead. “Oh well, maybe later than”. “So you brought Fred a Rug?” I’m not exactly sure why I asked that, perhaps some part of me wanted to talk to him on a more intimate level, but instead found the trivial. “Oh, yeah… You said he wrapped yer mum up in that African Rug I had in the living room… So I thought I’d give him a new one…” with this he looked at me “You know… As kind of a “I know what you did” message to his subconscious…”. This surprised me. “Uh, isn’t that kind of dangerous, I mean, he’s a Killer…” with this he smiled. “Oh no, I’m the killer, you should see my Library Wall at home, every hunt worthy beast in Africa has found their head mounted there”. “No, old Fred, I suspect, as I’ve always suspected, is just a Money Hungry Greedy Bastard, heh… And a sloppy Murderer at that”. Well, with this I had to agree with Dad… Dad? Ew, don’t think I like that. I’ll just call him Sam.

To Be Continued in Chapter Three (Part Two)…




I.D.O. Chapter 2.5 – And Then He Came

Posted in Fiction, I Died Once, Novel, Story, Writing with tags , , on October 2, 2011 by darkjade68

“I Died Once” – Writing Project

by DarkJade


And then he came…

On the eleventh day after my mothers death, an old pickup truck arrived in the driveway of my mothers estate. An old man drove it, and a man in an old brown leather jacket and a hat pulled down over his face got out of the passengers side. The man in the hats pants and boots were also very beaten down.

Now Fred ran out to the driveway arms flailing, assuming they had taken a wrong turn or something.

I took a bite out of my apple, this was getting good. The man in the hat merely pointed at the back of the pickup truck, and the old man took out what appeared to be a wrapped rug, threw it over his shoulder and headed towards the house.

At first Fred tried to stop him, then followed him in. This is when the man in the hat looked over my way and motioned for me to come quickly. Some how he knew I was behind the bush.

What would I do? What could I do. Before I knew it I was sprinting at him and he quickly opened his door and shuffled me to the passenger side floor, then shut the door.

“Well, certainly appreciate the rug” suddenly I heard Fred’s voice. It was the first time I had heard it since the night he killed my mother. Terror filled me, my heart started to beat rapidly, and I began to sweat.

“Who did you say sent it”

“A man called Sam Monroe, from Africa…” “Oh, okay, well thank you…”

“Can I get you two gentleman a drink?” please say no… I thought to myself. “Nope, we’ll be on our way…” spoke the man in the hat. He had a notably soothing voice, which seemed to calm me a bit. And a huge knife on his belt, that didn’t hurt either.

“Very well, thanks again…” and we left.

The old man never looked down at me curled on the floor, as if the man in the hat had told him to expect a visitor.

After a while, the man in the hat looked down at me “You can come up now…” and so I did hesitently.

“How did you know I was in the bushes?” I managed.

“In Africa, you must always be watchful of things in the brush…”


“Yup, and that’s where we’re headed”.

He then did the oddest thing, he stuck his hand out “My names Sam by the way… Sam Monroe”.

End Of Chapter Two