Archive for Panic Disorder

The Truth – Part II

Posted in Film, Film Making, Filmmaker, Writing with tags , , on October 24, 2020 by darkjade68

The Truth

Part One

Part Two

After 8 months of working on experimental filmmaking, basically teaching myself how to make films, I moved back to Southern California

There I began writing a Teleplay (Screenplay for a Television Series) for a Science Fiction Series, called ‘Masters of Mars’

I wrote the First Three Episodes of it, and continued doing Filmmaking with action figures, but also started to make miniature sets

My brother then convinced me to move back to Oregon, once more, this time I told him that I didn’t want to film action figures anymore, I wanted to do a Short Film…

…he said ok

I then moved up there once more, but it was rough… 9/11 had happened several months before, and finding any kind of work, even temporary work, was largely impossible

During my time there, though I was very stressed about money, I wrote my first full written for feature film screenplay, ‘White Jade’…

My plan was to try to sell feature film screenplays, and use the money to produce my own films

I also wrote a play while I was there…

…but in the end, my brother was having serious issues with his marriage, and simply couldn’t make time to work on a Short Film

I suspect the true reason he wanted me to move there, was because he was really struggling in his life

Out of frustration, I sat down one day and wrote a 5 minute Short Film, called my brother, and asked him if I could borrow him for an hour

Then I shot over there, and started to film the short film, feeding him lines as we went

I shot this film in an hour and a half, and though there are shots I would have liked to shoot over, over all I think it got the message across

Here it is

After I shot the footage, I went home and spent 8 to 12 hours Editing it, then submitted it to a Video and Film Festival in New York, and got it in

My brother than got a job in Northern California, and moved away, leaving me there, though I’d moved up there for him

I had no money, but after several months, was finally able to move back to Southern California

I then flew with my Dad to New York to see the Short Film up on the big-ish screen, and seeing it up there made me feel I was at last a Filmmaker

Three months later I ended up in the hospital

I’d stopped taking some medicines when I went to Oregon earlier that year, due to the fact that I couldn’t find money, and lost my insurance

After 10 days of being in the hospital, I was feeling weak, but better

I then moved to Scottsdale Arizona in 2003, to live near my Step Brother, and began writing my next film

This one would be an hour long

But the medical issues I was healing from lead to some trauma in Arizona, which caused PTSD

So I moved back to my mom’s house in Southern California, and rested for a moment

But several months later I moved to Northern California to be near my bro again, but after several severe anxiety attacks, I returned to my mom’s home once more, and realized I just wasn’t going to be able to pursue Filmmaking for a bit

So instead, I picked up the Feature Film Screenplay First Draft I wrote in Oregon two years before, and started Editing/Rewriting the heck out of it…

…poured hundreds of hours into it

Growing it from an 80 page First Draft, to a 123 page Final Draft

I then wrote a Query Letter, and started sending it out to Writing Agents, in hopes to get one to read my screenplay, and hopefully represent me

To no avail

At that point, I decided I needed to take a break from pursuing my dreams for a while, and started playing ‘World of Warcraft’ for the next 4 1/2 years…

…I mean, I played a lot

I loved it, don’t regret it, but wasn’t really going out of the house because of the anxiety which basically changed into a fear of anxiety (Panic Disorder)

Basically I didn’t want to go out, not because I had anxiety, but because I feared having an anxiety attack when I was out

It had happened several times by now, and it made me feel out of control emotionally, and caused me to have ‘Fight or Flight’ instincts come up because of the PTSD, even though I wasn’t in any actually danger

Dear Me

Posted in Dreams, Dungeons And Dragons, Fantasy Novel, Film, Film Making, Novella, Star Wars, Web Series, White Jade, Writing with tags , , , , on March 11, 2019 by darkjade68

Star Wars Movie Poster 2

In 1975 I wanted to be a Baseball Player (Pitcher), but my parents divorced, and we lived in a remote canyon, so I was pretty sure my mom would never be able to get me to Little League practice.

So I let that dream go, though my mom says I only ever mentioned Baseball once to her a as a kid.

I was shy, and soft spoken, so I didn’t talk much, other than to my brother who was 15 months younger than me.

In 1977, my brother, mom and I saw the Original Star Wars in the theatre…

From that day forward, I wanted to be a Filmmaker.

1980

Then came The Empire Strikes Back (1980), the best sequel ever, which firmly cemented the notion of Film Making in my mind/heart.

Twenty two years after the Original Star Wars, I stepped away from a successful Corporate America Job, moved near my bro in Oregon, bought a video camera, and started working on Experimental Film Projects.

It wasn’t until that time, that I realized I also wanted to Write my Films.

After 7 months of messen around/writing/filming, I moved back to Southern California, and was back working in a cubical, but for half the money I was making before.

In my spare time I wrote a Teleplay (Screenplay for television) of a Sci-Fi Mini Series that I hoped to submit to the Sci-Fi Channel.

Also, as a Film Making exercise, I created mini sets, and Filmed Action Figure versions of some of the initial Scenes.

In 2002 I moved back to Oregon to work on Short Films with my bro, to submit into Film Festivals.

To my dismay, he had no time to do this.

Then out of frustration I wrote a 5 minute Short Film, and Filmed it in an hour and a half…

…Edited it, and Submitted it to a Film Festival in New York.

It got in.

Forgive the rough quality, it was Shot in Hi-8, then converted to Digital…

…and, like I say, was Shot in only an hour and a half.

Also that year, I Wrote a First Draft of a Feature Length Screenplay, with hopes of selling it someday, and using the money to Produce my own projects.

It was called ‘White Jade’

In September of 2002, I flew with my Dad to New York, and saw my Short Film on the Big Screen (It was actually like a half sized screen, lol).

It was at that moment I thought to myself, “I’m a Filmmaker”.

Sadly 3 months later, I ended up in the hospital with a health issue, and decided to step away from Film.

That didn’t last long, in the following year I moved to Arizona to stay with my Step Bro this time, and started to Write & gather some people who would work on what would be my Second Film (This one would be an hour long).

Sadly, I went through some trauma related to my health issues, and needed to move back to Southern California to live with my Mom and her boyfriend.

There I suffered extreme anxiety from the trauma, so didn’t go out much.

But I did pick up my White Jade Screenplay, and poured hundreds of hours into it.

Then in 2004 I Wrote Query Letters for it, and Submitted to Writing Agents, in hopes that they might read it, and Represent me.

Sadly, no response.

That year I also started some other Screenplays, but White Jade is the only one I Edited hundreds of hours, to create a finished product.

In 2005 I took a break from Dream Chasing, and wasn’t really leaving the house.

In 2006 I started a job outside the house, and would be there for 6 months.

During that time I hired a Comic Book Artist (Student) to Draw some Scenes from White Jade, so that should the opportunity arise, I’d have some visuals to show potential Producers.

 

I was so impressed by the Art, that I decided to try and make White Jade into a Comic Book, and hired the same Artist to Draw me the First 8 Pages of the Comic Book.

 

Including Covers for Issue 1, & 2.

 

I then Submitted the Comic Book Pages and Cover #1 to Dark Horse Comics, and a few other Independent Comic Book Companies (I didn’t try for Marvel, or DC, figured they were more Main Stream), to no avail.

I then had a severe anxiety attack while I was out, and had to leave the job.

Image result for world of warcraft

From 2006-2011 I played a whole lot of World of Warcraft, lol

Which was great, and gave me a break from pursuing my dreams, as well as an opportunity to heal a bit emotionally from the trauma.

Wasn’t really leaving the house during 2007-2010.

In 2010, I moved out for a year and a half, and started going out again.

In 2011 I moved back home to my Moms’, and decided to Create a Writing Blog… This was the Blog.

When I started this Blog my hope was to get in the habit of Writing everyday, by shooting for an average of 600 Words per day, which wasn’t all that much.

It worked, I actually averaged somewhere around 1,200+ Words per day for a year and a half, and created a boat load of Poems, Blog Stories, a Couple Novellas & a Fantasy Novel.

i-died-once-cover

In 2012, I Self Published some Poems, a ‘Partial Comic Book’ (The White Jade Pages), and my First Novella, “I Died Once”.

mady-cover2

In late 2012 I wrote the Second Novella in the Series “Mady’s Storm”, but didn’t end up getting it Edited, and Self Published until 2015.

cwa

Also in 2012 I Wrote/Finished my First Fantasy Novel, “Chess With Agatha”, and hired an Editor.

After it was Edited, I still didn’t feel it was ready to Self Publish, so I sat it aside.

In 2013 slowed down on my Writing.

In 2015 I was missing Film Making, and still not leaving the house, ended up for the fun of it Filming a ‘Mock’ Trailer for White Jade.

I was so inspired by it, that I decided to break the Screenplay up into 16 Episodes, and Produce a 16 Part Web Series.

I also started to leave the house at this time.

The Pre-Production would last 8 to 10 Months…

(Sword Training Above).

During that time I poured hundreds and hundred of hours into Pre-Production

(Rehearsal Above)

(First Filmed Scene, which would have had Visual Effects added to enhance)

And even Filmed a couple Scenes from Episode 7 & 10 (Early), which was when the Actor was available.

(Second Filmed Scene, which also would have been enhanced by Visual Effects)

Everything was going really well, but sadly, I went through some personal things, coupled with a bad anxiety attack, and stopped going out again.

I kept working on Pre-Production, but after several months of not going out, I decided to bring the Production to a halt.

Wanting to put myself at ease, I returned to an old Hobby of mine from the 80’s 90’s, Dungeons & Dragons.

Something I’ve always been passionate about, and also an excellent tool for sharpening your Writing/Character/Character Development/Storytelling Skills.

But I did it for sheer pleasure.

But being who I am, I spent the next 6 months creating Conent, and even thought about Self Publishing some of it.

frm

But I decided against it.

I now sit in a place, where I play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons, do some Writing on here, and miss Film Making.

Something that I ran into when I was doing Rehearsals for White Jade was, I came to the realization that I may have a ‘Fear of Success’ (Some have fear of failure, some have fear of success).

What I mean by that is, after I finished a really good White Jade Rehearsal, it hit me that if we do actually Produce the Episodes, and it has any kind of success/following etc., that it would all rest on me to keep it going…

…that all involved would rely on me to keep it going.

And all the fun etc. that they had with it, would be on me.

It shook me.

I never realized I had any kind of fear in regards to this.

Part of it may have to do with I hate pressure… The other part may have to do with I’d been through so much anxiety stuff, I feared the responsibility of it would stress me out.

Then there’s the other part which is, basically, I have no idea why I was worried, and/or why I worry.

I’m very happy with all of my creations, and yes I’d love to make a living, and just create create create, doing what I love…

…connecting and inspiring people, which has always been my main hope.

But at this point, I’m just not sure I’m up to it…

…up to success.

Up to the emotional trials.

Time will tell I guess.

Nuff Said,

Thanks for Listening/Reading

DarkJade-